His Work in Me: Installment #1

(written last night- and really, this is written for me. if you make it to the end, that's great. but i want to look back when i find myself in the tight fist of fear and remember this. if you make it to the end, i applaud you- really, i do because you're going to have to go on a weird up and down journey through my mind and let's face it, that's not always a smooth trip)

It was bath night at our house tonight. I've learned since Gage's birth, that baths don't have to happen every night (for kids, that is). I wasn't as wise with Ryan, which might explain his battle with eczema- too many baths.

We gathered around the kitchen floor for our nightly right-before-bedtime snack. This time it was Cream of Wheat. We all ate from the same bowl and tonight, Gage got the last bite. Ryan usually does, but we're learning to help the desires of others go before our own. Not as easy as it sounds. Especially since cream of wheat is soooo darn good.

Right now the boys are sleeping...and I promised myself last night that I would go to bed before 8 tonight. Didn't happen. Doesn't look like it's gonna. I'm wide awake and it's probably due to the 5:00 coffee I just had to have.

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I'm copying this dotted line 'thing' from other bloggers- I like how I can shift gears with it.

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Have I mentioned that Beth Moore's study in Esther rocked my world last week? The theme is 'it's tough being a woman' and each week, we focus on a quality in Esther that required her to be tough in order to do God's will. Every week Beth points out a reason why it's tough being a woman.

Last week I learned from Moore, that..."It's tough being a woman in the tight fist of fear".

Allow me to explain.

I am afraid every waking moment- and sometimes the fear even creeps into my dreams. I have always been afraid of weird things- mostly burglars or being kidnapped. I have an unreal fear of public restrooms and I practically hyperventilate when I have to walk somewhere alone, in the dark- esp car garages. I like to say that I was born with this fear but really, I acquired it. Where? I don't know.

I could deal with those fears though. For the most part, they were irrational. And for crying out loud, it's not like the odds were stacked against me. I knew being kidnapped- or killed- or ??? was a long shot. In my mind, I could talk myself out of them (usually).

After I became a parent, I allowed myself to be consumed by fear. It was almost like a gave birth to a ball of fear- three of them. When I say that I'm afraid every waking moment- I really am. After Ryan was born, I could dream up him being struck by a car. Not just any car- the bright yellow Hummer that lives up the street. I could see the Hummer coming...I could visualize Ryan running toward it like a magnet...and I was helpless and unable to stop it.

I used to picture myself accidentally flushing him down the toilet when he was an infant.

One time, I became so paranoid at the mall (at those little playing places) when he would leave my sight, that I just packed him up and left. I kept dreaming that people were jumping the cushions of the seating area, scooping him up, and taking off running.

When we went to Crater Lake, I wouldn't let Ryan get out of the car because I could see him slipping into the caldera- he literally stayed strapped to his carseat- in the car. I'm so grateful for the Kelty backpack; it's allowed us to keep a better 'feel' on the kids.

I can't have fun at the fair because I'm afraid one of my kids will run off and I'll never see them again. Gage wanders- and I can picture him wandering into the arms of some pedophile.

It's take a long, long time for me to sleep without interruption. Even to this day, I will jump out of bed and sneak into their rooms to feel the rhythm of their sleeping chests- just to be sure.

I can't sleep until I feel JD next to me. I sometimes sit in bed and run through all of the possibilities of him getting hurt at work- of him getting in a wreck on the way home and the police knocking at my door to tell me about it.

What if my child dies?
What if my husband dies?
What if I can prevent my child's death and don't?
What if I can prevent my child's death and can't?
What if my husband dies and our last words to one another weren't "I love you"?
What if I die and leave my boys without a mother?


I know where these fears come from.


They come from knowing that moment. The moment that socks you in the gut and turns your life upside down- the one that you think happens to everyone else. The moment when someone tells you that someone you love most in this world, is gone. I am in constant fear that that moment will happen again. And worse yet? I let it consume me and hold me hostage on a very consistent, regular basis.

Moore suggests that the IF in "What IF" is an acronym for "I Fear". Hmmmm...interesting.

What the heck does this have to do with Esther?

Mordecai told Esther to go straight to the king to tell him what Haman was doing to the Jews. She knew that if she did, she could very well be killed. Killed. As in...walk in the room and off with your head. Esther feared death and yet she made the decision to take the risk - knowing and trusting her God. She could have said to herself, "What if I die, God? Then what?" "What if my people are killed, God? Then what?"

It seems as though Esther was in the same kind of situation as I am. What if?

Moore opened my eyes even further- peeled them open, actually. According to her (I did not do a search on my own so this is directly from her video- take it for what it's worth) the most frequent command in the bible is..."Don't Be Afraid: Fear Not". Then she asked the question, "Can you imagine a life without fear?"

Wow. Without fear? Isn't fear supposed to hang out? Isn't it supposed to be there? You see, I've been so used to it that it's become a sort of appendage. I'm not sure what would happen if it were cut free. I might just bleed to death.

None of us are born brave, Beth admits. We aren't born courageous but you know what? I've realized last week that we have victory over death- I've always known that, but for the first time, I have felt it. I'm convicted by it. Christ has fought the battle and won.

We were all dead until we chose life.

"By embracing death, taking it into himself, he destroyed the Devil's hold on death and freed all who cower through life, scared to death of death" Hebrews 2: 14-15 from The Message.

If my entire family were killed tomorrow I could and would still believe and serve God. It wouldn't be easy and by all means, I'm not asking to live that life

.... but it would be possible and it's taken me a long time to get to a place where I can say that.

Courage is a Latin word :Cor=heart with a literal translation of "comes from a heart that is loved". Today I'm living courageously because I know I am loved by Christ. I have learned that I don't have to live with fear and can put the "What Ifs"to rest and trust God.

What if ___________, then _______________?

What if my family dies? Then God.

Just Curious

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Updated
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I love your advice and I can honestly say that I'll be a better wife this week because I'm thinking long and hard about what you've suggested - so cool.
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We still have napkins from our 2000 wedding and I can tell you that our dinner guests laugh when we pull out the purple mementos. I smile a bit inside because I'm reminded of the simple 'advice' that was printed on them nearly 9 years ago...

"Love never fails" 1 Corinthians: 13

It sounds so cliche. Love never fails. I've failed at love plenty. And yes, I can say that love has failed me too. So does it really never fail?

I guess if I could give myself any marital advice it would be simple, yet complicated:
Love your spouse.

Love is always patient;
(even when you don't want to wait Lisa, wait)
love is always kind;
(if you don't have something nice to say, then don't say nothin' at all)
love is never envious or arrogant with pride.
(celebrate with JD- encourage and congratulate him often and thank God for his gifts)
Nor is she conceited,
(remember Lisa, that you are who you are because of the love you have in your arms- don't forget that)
and she is never rude;
(even when you are tired...and sick and tired...and irritated...and irrational...be polite)
she never thinks just of herself
or ever gets annoyed.
(how's about you try your hardest to be understanding and if you get annoyed, then politely explain why- put the needs of others before your own)
She never is resentful;
is never glad with sin,
(seek the truth in Christ with JD)
but always glad to side with truth,
whene'er the truth should win.
(find the truth in Christ and agree to live a new life together)
Love bears up under everything,
believes the best in all,
(turn toward - not away- from JD when the going gets tough and when the tough want to get going- talk to him because, after all, he is not a 'mind reader')
there is no limit to her hope,
and love will never fail.

1 Corinthians: 8-13

Love one another. Definitely easier said than done, but totally worth a try :)
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...what's the best marital advice that you have ever been given? Or if that doesn't really float your boat, then what's the best advice you could give a newly-wed couple?

I'm just curious. I mean, love is in the air. Do you feel it too?

Some people think that February breeds this trumped up "HallMark Holiday" that's all about frivolous spending and chocolate overdoses.... but I hafta tell ya that I'm glad to have some {pink} and {red} in the midst of all these February clouds (even though I am simply STILL in shock that the entire Garden Section at WalMart is saturated in Vday 'stuff').

So for now, yeah, I'm feeling the love.

I asked JD what he thought and here's what he said-

"I would have to say that marriage is about compromise" ... pause ... "and that it's okay to buy flowers if it's not Valentine's day".

Hmmm...what say you?

Portland

We're back :) ...and we had a GREAT time!



-The reading conference was fabulous (as always).

- I spent waaay too much money on books for my kids (reading conferences will do that to ya).

-The food was incredible (stuffed salmon, Gustav's... and seafood everything).

- I actually saw a real 'live' pair of True Religion jeans (a ridiculously expensive brand of denim that, as urband legend has it, are the ultimate pair of jeans). I even convinced myself that one cannot put a price on the perfect fit - and let's just say that they are not 'my' perfect fit. :)


- JD and I got shin splints (not really) at IKEA and bought Gage the cutest little table and chairs set for his birthday. I can't wait to see him put together his puzzles on it. We even picked up a few little froggy and crabby chair pads...

- JD gave a woman in need $25 at IKEA - he told me she immediately started hugging him and was asking for his address so she could pay him back. He told her not to worry about it and to have a nice day- what a guy, huh? Seriously.

- We went to dinner with some really great friends that JD and I actually 'hooked up' (who are now in LOVE):

They make a cute couple, huh? We went to a place called 'Jakes' in downtown Portland for dinner (with a bunch of other great friends) and afterward Davis said to JD,

"I can tell that you and your wife really love each other a lot- what's it like being married to the woman of your dreams?"

{sigh} Can other people really 'see' that?

We're approaching 9 years married and 12 years together- we're high school sweethearts who fell in love at first sight but struggled to stay together long distance. We've seen the heights of mountains and the depths of valleys. I've been happier than I ever thought I would be- I've been 'madder than a hornet', as my grandmother would say and even still...after all of {that} and much of {this} I am more in love with him than I ever dreamt possible.

This weekend just melted the huge, frozen burg that is [shiftwork] and [stress] and [cold sheets next to me] and [email instead of kisses] and [driveway waves]...and replaced it all with a rainbow of

I.am.so.grateful.that.this.is.my.life.and.I.get.to.share.it.with.

him

period.

G.G.G...Gage

This is a video I took last night of Gage and I think it is just too cute not to share. He will be two on April 12th and is quickly adding to his toolbelt of words. This video, however, shows how we have spent the last few days. He's completely obsessed with letters right now and can {almost} recognize them all!!!

Setting my Sights

I can't even begin to tell you the transformation that is going on deep within my soul right now. The study through Esther has been eye-opening, reassuring, and encouraging. I feel like some real heavy weights are being lifted and I can't wait to blog about what I've learned. Honestly, I feel like I'm morphing- I'm shedding skin and God's fingerprints on my life are being revealed and magnified (not that they haven't been noticed before, but it seems like lately, they are sparkling).

For now, I'm using this picture of Ryan to illustrate the change in me.

I'm setting my sights differently- much like this:

(yes, those are binoculars taped to a cap gun- is he not brilliant? He is such a problem solver)

And I have to tell you that it's taken something BIG to refocus my sights, but I'm doin' it and it's been worth it (even if it looks ridiculous): I am off to Portland this week{end} for the big ORA reading conference. JD is sneaking away with me and I cannot wait for our little weekend get-a-way. It'll be a short one - and that's okay - but for this weekend, I'm going to focus my sights on the silent, steadfast man who has my heart.

More on the morph to come...

This, That, and the Other {a snapshot in time}

I teach a creative writing class and we're between projects right now. Translation: 2 minutes to think of something fantastic for the kids to WRITE about because in all the hustle and bustle of last week, I forgot to plan the inbetween 'thing'! I got this wild hair and decided to have another teacher come in to my room and commit a crime. He wandered in....targeted a few items....pocketed a few things....harassed a few kids and left. If you walked into my classroom and saw this, you might not have a clue what it meant: But just ask my 8th period creative writing class. They wrote some pretty darn descriptive police reports.

And if you glanced at my chalkboard at this present time, you might think it was a litter box of sticky notes! But just ask any kid in my math class; they know better. This thingy's a stem and leaf plot:

And a line plot:

Go ahead. Ask any kid to find the mean, median, mode, and range of this data. I dare ya cause THAT'S how much we've been working on it.


My friend, Maegan, gave me this great partnering idea and so far, it's worked like a charm. There are four simple words on my chalkboard with a sticky note next to one. Each kid has a red, white, blue, and green partner. When the kids come in, the first thing they look at is this spot on the chalkboard:

And then they know to sit next to that particular partner. It's been so fun to watch how 'into' this pairing up idea the kids are. They had choice in their partner and are excited for a change of sorts. But believe you me, they let me know if they've spent too much time with one partner!

Just a lil snapshot of our word list this week. Guess what we're studying in science? One of my personal favorites :)

And this lil gem on my desktop has made me smile since Christmas. My secret Santa gave it to me and it smells like yummy cinnamon. Everyone who comes into the classroom comments on how sweet it smells- which sure beats the adolescent alternative :)

Mom

Webster defines 'mom' as: a female person who is pregnant with or who gives birth to a child.

Ryan defines 'mom' by associating a person coming out of another person's belly. Hence, his obsession this weekend with "And whose belly did nana come out of....and whose belly did Gramma Gayle come out of....and whose belly did daddy come out of..."

I think it's pretty safe to say that Gage would define 'mom' as the person who meets his {almost} every need.

I'm not sure how you would define 'mom' but today, I'm thinking about it...because it's my mom's birthday. And to me, today is as much of a 'what mom means' day as it is her birthday. I'm SUPER glad that my mom was born on this day but I'm EVEN more glad that she's my mom.

My 'mom' is...

- a thinker. a deep, deep, enlightening not-t0o-quick-to-think-too-fast kind of thinker.
- a teacher. the kind of teacher that teaches you to be teachable- and in my opinion, that's the hardest kind to be.
- a pricipal. the one who wants to change the world.
- a girl's girl. the kind who doesn't take herself too seriously- who can laugh at bad haircut and still smile when she's got hair dye all over her neck.

My mom is also a pianist, in case you were wondering. We were so fortunate as kids to wake up in our house to my mom's beautiful music. One song that I remember most was "Blessed Assurance", which I think speaks volumes to the 'stand' my mom takes on life-

blessed: happiness, thankfulness, blissful, contented.
assurance: give confidence, freedom from doubt, firm belief.

Last night while the guys were watching the game, my sil and I took my mom to get a pedicure and manicure at the mall. And while her neck was being beaten by the little massager balls and the pedicurist was slapping at her feet, she looked at me with a 'look' that only I can recognize. I laughed until I almost cried because I knew exactly what she was thinking based soley on her 'look'- right down to "Do they wash this tank between uses?" She didn't have to say a single word.

I can't tell you how many times I've stopped in my day and wondered what my mom was doing- how she was feeling or how she was coping with something. And in that beatin, hair raisin', slappin' moment at the mall, I realized that my mom is part of my soul. Her 'look' is part of my grain and we have a connection that is deep- she's a part of me. She has molded me and on this fine February day, I'm thinkin' about how very happy I am that she was born.

Happy birthday mom!