Where is He?

This whole parenting gig is sometimes WAY over my head. I mean, the responsibility to {teach} is tough - especially when there aren't 'benchmarks' or 'standards' laid out before me. Sometimes I'm equipped for the task but frankly, a lot of the time I shoot from the hip. My dad, however, seems to have ALL the right answers for ALL the tough questions.

Like with Ryan.

Scenario One: "I try to talk to Him, but He doesn't talk back to me"
(this particular conversation between Ryan and my dad took place on an early morning hunt)

"Um, Papa Stevo?" (that's what Ryan calls my dad)
"Yes, Ryan" (and by "yes, Ryan" we all cringe a bit because it's the precursor to a tough question- one we all know he's thought a LOT about so we sort of wait in eerie anticipation)
"Why He doesn't talk to me?"
"Who? Who doesn't talk to you?"
"God. I try to talk to Him and tell him to come down from heaven so I can see Him and He doesn't talk back to me".
"Well...if you want to see God, you just have to look around...like right there (pointing to the rising sun)...see that sunrise? THAT'S God. He's right there."

This isn't a rising sun but I felt the need for a picture. You get the point.

And so Ryan, taking in what my dad has said to him says in an amazed whisper...

"You can see Him, Papa?"

"Absolutely. And you can see Him too."

Um, Papa?"

"Yes, Ryan"

"Is Olivia standing next to him?"

-----------------------------------

Scenario Two: "Where does He live?"

"Um, Papa..."

"Yes, Ryan"

"Why God never comes to see me?"

"He can see you all the time"

"Yeah, but why He doesn't come here to live? Why He just lives in heaven and stays there all the time?"

"Well, actually...God lives right there" (my dad taps Ryan on his chest) "He lives right there in your heart".

"Oh...in my heart. Oh yeah, I freegot"

---

WEEKS later...JD goes hunting...and gets a pheasant.

Ryan is poised on a stool watching my dad pluck and 'gut' the pheasant. He sits attentively inquiring about all the organs and their functions.

My heart {melts} because we've got another scientist in the making and what better person to {learn} from than my dad.

---

DAYS later while driving to the TriCities...

"Um...mom?"

"Yes, Ryan" (Oh, GEEZ...here it comes...where's my dad????? what's he going to ASK????)

"Do you think if I ask him, papa will cut that pheasant's heart open so I can look inside?"

"Papa would love to cut that heart open for you Ryan...you'll have to ask him when we get home"

"Yeah...because I want to see if God's in there. I'm going to find him in there."

(flashback to a 5 year old literally translating "God lives in your heart.")

{sigh}

---

This parenting gig...Lord, just give me the words. And if I don't get it right, just let Ryan give my dad the questions.

---

"Inside our skin...there is this space...that twists and turns...it bleeds and aches...inside my hollow heart, there's an empty room...it's waiting for lightning...it's waiting for YOU" ~ Jewel (The Absence of Fear; playlist)

---

Ryan is LIVING the lyrics to this song and I am humbled to be part of his journey to find {truth}.

Happy Birthday (to our 5th star)

Happy {7th} Birthday
Sweet little Olivia Rose.

We miss you like crazy;

every minute;

every hour;

every day;

...until we meet again.

(funny how 7 years can feel like 7 seconds)

Eyes Wide Shut

Sometimes it's tough to see things when I'm not paying attention...or when I'm distracted...or when I choose not to see ... or when something is covering my {eyes}.

I have all these tea sets, you see. I've always loved tea parties and have fond memories of my mom and I sitting down for a spot of tea with mayonnaise sandwiches; of my dolls and I gathered around a table sharing good conversation and exquisite teas. Maybe it's because of these memories that I started collecting tea pots as an adult...

One thing is for sure though, I started polishing those memories of mine so hard they became dreams.
---
Last night - out of the clear blue sky - Ryan asked me if I wanted to have a tea party. It's not something we've ever talked about. I mean, we always have our Saturday morning 'coffee' together but tea parties- boys don't have TEA PARTIES.

So I was caught off guard a bit. You? You wanna have a ... tea ...party?
---
I jumped up. Literally. I grabbed my BEST tea party tea set...brewed some chamomile tea...filled the creamer with cream...and loaded the sugar bowl. The boys sat in great anticipation as I drew nearer and nearer to our table with the set...
---

Sometimes plans need tweaked.

Sometimes dreams need a little more polishing.

Boys can have tea parties too ...

and with my eyes wide shut, I {almost} missed it.

What Do I Know of Holy?

Sometimes do you look back through old pictures and just shake your head? Shake your head at the irony of the lesson you're {about} to live? I do - all the time. I just look into my own eyes and shake.my.head. Sometimes I want to say, "Stupid...stupid girl. When will you get it?"



Last week, JD picked me up my favorite {Obies} coffee and dropped it off at my work along with a single red rose and a card that spoke to my heart:



Each day is like an ocean wave
returning to the shore-
you have no idea what it will bring,
just as you have no idea what surprises
the surf will lay at your feet.
On calm days, ordinary shells
are left at the water's edge,
but after stormy weather,
all kinds of treasures
are churned up from the deep-
rare finds for those with the patience
to uncover them.
The phases of life itself
are as unpredictable
as the moods of the ocean-
sometimes smooth, sometimes turbulent.
But beyond this mystery
lies one certainty...
While you can never know what gifts life will bring,
you can trust
that every sunrise offers possibilities.
Every day holds beautiful moments
and new dreams
waiting for you to come and find them.
~ Renee Duvall

---
I looked into my own eyes...hands full of sand dollars (which oddly, are all the same shell)...heart full of love and blessings...and it hit me. Sometimes I talk too much and I forget to listen to Him. I forget to look around me and notice Him. I'm so busy asking, that I can't hear. I know God's hand is on my life. I know His plan is laid before me. I trust Him. Really, I do. It's easy to know and feel God when the sailing is smooth- when the ocean is calm. It's tough to remain on course after the seas are churned and after a change in direction. Today, I'm wondering- if I can stand before God and tell him "not what I had in mind" then what do I even know of Holy?

What do I know of you, who spoke me into motion?
Where have I even stood but the soil on your ocean?
Are you fire or are you fury?
Are you sacred?
Are you beautiful?
Lord, what do I know of holy?

The slightest glimpse of You, brings me to my knees.

" For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be." Psalm 139: 13-18

Welcome baby boy McElroy #3. We are {so} glad you're here.

More thoughts on having {another}

Today was tough for me.

I woke up teary-eyed and weary.

I was {deep} in thought. I'm blessed by the words of encouragement and cheer that seemed to flood my inbox this morning.

I sighed a lot and took extra deep breaths.

I was more patient than usual...some may call, perhaps, complacent.

I wrote "It's a boy" on my chalkboard when I got to school... s l o w l y....

I wrote "his name shall be...(today the blank was filled with Raul)...tomorrow is anyone's guess.

---
Kids are impressionable. Believe me when I say that I take my role as a teacher very seriously. If I'm having an 'off' day, kids take it personally so it's always been a priority of mine to be very transparent with those around me. I've always been very honest with {my} kids...especially when it comes to the element of humanity.

"I'm having an off day ya'll."

Why, Mrs. McElroy?

"Well...because I found out that we're going to be blessed with another boy and I was kind of hoping for a girl; I like tea parties, you know." {smile}

Oh. Is it because your first girl died that you want another one so bad? (bless their honest little hearts- seriously).

"Yeah, actually".

silence.

smiles.

silence.

"Whelp...I guess you girls in here are just gonna have to be mine. How does that sound?"

Cheers.

Laughter.

Some clapping.

"...and you boys in here...you're pretty great too...in fact, I'll just claim all ya'll."

---
and when they all walked to breakfast, I opened my email and read this message from my {boss}:

my dear - from my experience in life right now you will have the joy of:

- having to pick over future girls/friends for your young men

- being paraded around as an older woman by attractive young men - just when you need the kuddos the most having the strengths of men to stand by their mother to the very end

- having your boys will love and adore you and look but never find anyone comparable to their mother you will fall in love with young women for your sons and then have a whole other
experience in life with new relationships of teen and young adult women

-you will be an expert in handling men

-you will reign queen of the household

-you will have the opportunity to mold and shape men who will treat women they way you have always thought men should treat women

-you will have men in your lives someday that will be models to the world in how they work with families

-you are in an ideal state of shaping generations that will carry your husband's name and thus perpetuate the family lineage of generations to come

-God will give you the strength to live with a past and a beautiful future that will unfold and surprise you many times during your journey in life

These words for my eyes...they are music to my soul.

The Verdict is IN {and how I feel about it}

~It's a{nother} ... BOY~

Mis Tres Amigos

...and don't, for one second, let me convince you that I'm not elated. He's healthy...looks just like Gage...and is still sucking his thumb like Ryan. He's got a good, strong spine...long fingers...and all the organs are {present} and {accounted for}. We are blessed. Blessed, I tell you.

...but...I've never been one to gloss things over...to blow smoke or to make something seem anything unlike the truth of the matter...I've always kept it real and so I wouldn't be me if I didn't admit that my eyes are still just a wee bit puffy. It was really, really tough not to burst into tears while the 'dude' was still scanning my belly. I mean, the penile part was hardly questionable. There was no doubt.what.so.ever that this baby was anything but a BOY. Plain and simple.

It's not that I'm not grateful.

It's not that I don't feel blessed.

It's not that I don't feel like the luckiest mother in the world because believe me when I say, I do.

It's not that I don't {want} a{nother} boy.

It's not that I don't like having boys...they are MUCH more fun than I first would have thought.

It's just that I didn't expect to feel this way.

I didn't expect to cry so hard...or want to cry so hard that it just sort of fell out. I didn't expect to not want to talk to anyone...to hardly have the guts to text to my friends while I waited in a room full of people.

I didn't expect to feel these things because having a{nother} girl was always a possibility for us. It was always still a live part of the future.

I've always dreamt of sharing Strawberry Shortcake (the doll, not the dessert) with my little girl...of being the mother of the bride...and showing my daughter how to paint her nails. I've dreamt of tea parties and doll houses for as long as I can remember and I've always looked forward to an explosion of pink in my house. I wanted to dress up a little girl in frilly dresses and have a shoulder for my own daughter to cry on. These dreams of mine may have always been dreams, but they had real {life} in them...they {could} be real.

Today, I am facing the truth that the dream of having a girl is just not going to happen for me. It's not 'meant to be' and while the news of today is EVERY BIT worth rejoicing, it's accompanied by the sad reality that when my only daughter died, as did my dream that swept across her brief life. That.is.heartbreaking and I guess it has just hit me like a TON of bricks today.

This song that is play..."At Last"...I heard this song while I was in a dressing room just after having Olivia. It always reminded me of her...and made me look forward to that moment, you know? That moment when you are snuggling cheek to cheek with a dream you have had your whole life. That moment when you can breathe a sigh of relief and just say "At last...it's here. This moment is here.". I guess for me, I'm just realizing that the dream is still a reality; it's just that it's not playing out like I wanted. I know that sounds selfish but it's also dripping with truth.

This is our last child. This little bundle of joy - a bouncing belly full of boy - this little miracle growing inside of me is a gift straight from God.

Is God {still} good? Absolutely. Without question.
Am I having a boy because I wasn't good enough? That's absurd.
Do I not 'get' a girl because God doesn't want me to have the desire of my heart? That's Satan. God's grace is still sufficient for me.

Will it take me a few weeks to adjust? Um, I'm gonna say 'yeah'. And in the mean time, I am ever so blessed to have such understanding friends- who know the reality of my hurt and feel it with me; who I can call on at any time and share my deepest darkest secrets with...I am blessed to have you GIRLS in my life and don't for ONE second, think I don't see that! I love you all!!!