I learned today...
...that when you dial papa's phone number and hand the phone off to boy #1 and he responds with "it's just the message" and then hangs the phone up (or so you think) and proceeds to talk to 'nana'...
...that when that boy is asking 'nana' where papa is and telling 'nana' that mom is on her computer (because 'nana' must have asked)...
....that when that boy finally hands off the phone to mom because she can tell that 'nana' isn't too interested in what he has to say...and is a bit frustrated that 'nana' is not giving the phone to papa...
...that 'nana' wasn't the real nana and was actually a 911 operator (because we're working on that since our recent trip to the fire station). And she wasn't too terribly impressed with my parenting skills. I might add.
So I've learned today that...
1. Ryan really CAN dial 911
2. We need to work on defining 'emergency' a bit better cause wanting papa to take you for a drive to check out the deer- yeah, that's not an emergency.
Lesson learned today and *cough* sorry 911 operator lady. Is this when Bill Ingvall rings my doorbell and says..."here's your sign"?
Saturday, February 28, 2009
Thursday, February 26, 2009
eMOLEtional
I got the call from the mole doctor today. Actually, it was his nurse. She called to give me my 'results' - you know, the results that mean you either have skin cancer and you're going to die or not.
Turns out, I'm not going to die but I'm still pretty insistant that those should have been the first words out of her mouth.
So instead of telling that I'm going to live, she started with my first mole- explaining that it was some kind of 'growth' and not really even a mole at all. Evidentally, that's a good thing. Then she said to me, "and you know the other two moles you had...?"
"OF COURSE I KNOW THE OTHER TWO MOLES I HAD. JUST TELL ME I'M GONNA DIE LADY!!! COME ON. GET IT OVER WITH"
(all the while JD is laughing because I think that's how he deals with the news that is wife is about to die- perhaps one of those nervous type reactions- whatever the case may be, it does NOT help)
Turns out those two moles, they're just moles - not even 'abnormal' - just normal, really. And thank you so much if you threw up a prayer or two for me because I was actually kinda worried about. You can't tell, can ya?
Oh my gosh, and you cannot even tell me you're not rolling laughing at the title of this post, huh??!!! So I've got more moles to go ...
...and cheers to 'normal'.
Turns out, I'm not going to die but I'm still pretty insistant that those should have been the first words out of her mouth.
So instead of telling that I'm going to live, she started with my first mole- explaining that it was some kind of 'growth' and not really even a mole at all. Evidentally, that's a good thing. Then she said to me, "and you know the other two moles you had...?"
"OF COURSE I KNOW THE OTHER TWO MOLES I HAD. JUST TELL ME I'M GONNA DIE LADY!!! COME ON. GET IT OVER WITH"
(all the while JD is laughing because I think that's how he deals with the news that is wife is about to die- perhaps one of those nervous type reactions- whatever the case may be, it does NOT help)
Turns out those two moles, they're just moles - not even 'abnormal' - just normal, really. And thank you so much if you threw up a prayer or two for me because I was actually kinda worried about. You can't tell, can ya?
Oh my gosh, and you cannot even tell me you're not rolling laughing at the title of this post, huh??!!! So I've got more moles to go ...
...and cheers to 'normal'.
Monday, February 23, 2009
A day at the Fire Station
My boy is full of questions...and the important ones at that, "Fireman Ed...where are your helicopters?"
The fire station was a BIG hit. When "Fireman Ed" asked the kids what they do if their house is on fire and all the kids just stared at him, I knew I was in trouble. Then, out of the clear blue sky, my kid screams at the top of his lungs....
"RUN!!!"
Hmmmm, well kinda. It was then that I realized we needed to have a few hundred fire drills at our house- and that we did.
I must admit that I have a new appreciation for what it takes to take 17 four year olds on a field trip. Let's just say that every time I saw Mrs. Veronica, she was counting (bless her heart) and I think I heard Mrs. Tess say "Don't touch the gasoline" at least three times.
In other news, I had to have 3 moles removed (and more to come, evidently) , which has shed a new light on the term 'holey moley'. I think that is knee-slappin' funny but JD just thinks I'm gross and Ryan keeps wondering who shot me. Hmmmm...
Wednesday, February 18, 2009
His Work in Me: Installment 2
All my life, I have been taught that I could do anything; be anything; go anywhere.
Both my parents were (still are) educators and they worked hard from as far back as I can remember to imprint the "Reach for the moon and you'll land among the stars" mantra on my very impressionable mind. My mom, bless her heart, often sang "I can bring home the bacon and fry it up in a pan" to the top of her lungs when she fixed Sunday morning breakfast for our family. She was, and continues to be, the poster child for a woman who can have and be it 'all'. And so it was- I adopted her philosophy. My goals were the same - to bring home my very own bacon and fry it up in my very own pan!
So I made a deal with God. (I know you're not supposed to do that- you're supposed to have this unshakable faith and know that no matter what happens, as long as you listen to God, you're on the right road...but well, I made a deal because sometimes it just seems easier). So I made a deal and told God that if He could somehow orchestrate my federal loan forgiveness then I wouldn't feel as guilty about quitting my job and staying at home.
Neat, huh? Sounded like a great plan to me. And then I got the forgiveness...and it felt...
like nails on a chalkboard. like a screaming cat. like it was too good to be true. like it just didn't seem 'right'. like God was trying to tell me something but it was muffled-
???? Wha ???? What is that God? What are you trying to tell me?
The deal was done, so why was I feeling like it was bad news?
Then God showed me Esther {again}.
You see, when Mordecai told Esther to talk to the king about Haman's plan to destroy the Jews, she hadn't seen the king in 30 days. Imagine that. Your husband has not called on you in 30 days- talk about feeling unloved and unwanted. 30 days? Are you kidding King Xerxes? Are you are mad? It was what it was. The only thing Esther had to hold on to at that moment, was her crown. She was the queen and approaching the king could bring certain death. The timing was awful. Couldn't Mordecai have asked Esther 30 days prior, to meet with the king? At least then, she would have felt like she had an 'in' with the king. And so Esther had a decision to make. She was at a crossroad of sorts. Should she fulfill her destiny? Or should she hold on to that beloved crown of hers. After all, I'm sure it was pretty. I'm sure she got used to wearing it and wanted it to stick around for a while...
Esther was content- God had made her content and she was at a point in her life when she might have to turn that all in and exchange it for the real possibility of death. Could she do it? Could she set aside the beautiful crown that she had come to adore and do what God told her to do?
Esther was called to be obedient. She wasn't called to save the Jews. She was destined to listen to God's plan for her life and she was quiet and still enough to hear it. God doesn't come right out and say that on the page, but it's there. Oh, it's there.
And this is when Beth Moore's words stung me like a bee and I literally jumped out of my chair.
"The revelation of a person's destiny always demands a revelation of the person" and she went on to say that the only way a person could truly fulfill her destiny is to live in a transparent way- to share the struggles of life and let people in.
And so it's a matter of destiny- of life and of death. A matter of the heart- of listening intently enough to know the difference between what I want and what God wants to do through me. I want to stay at home with my boys- I want time to stand still because it seems like it's just flying by me. I want my kids to stay little because I feel like I'm missing it but...
...I'm living my destiny and I can feel that in my spirit- in my bones. God is reminding me that my purpose is in my classroom and in not too many words has told me...
Lisa, you can either stick your heels in the mud and pout or you can pivot your heel and do this thing. Just so you know, God kinda talks to me like that- he speaks my love language so if it sounds unkind, then just know that it's what works for me and I think He knows that.
I know God allowed us to have our boys because He knew it was a desire of my heart. I know that God wants us to feel loved and share that love with our boys. But I also know that he wants me to share that love in other ways too...with other kids who are not of my own flesh and blood.
So today if I were asked if I am living my destiny and I replied, "Who knows?" then it's a total lie. I know. And yeah, I am. I'm trying to {but I have to be honest, it's still really really really tough sometimes}. I've realized through Moore's study this week that I am responsible for the 'what' in my destiny but God is going to work out the 'how' just as Esther was responsible for the what and God took care of the how.
Sometimes I wonder if I make a difference in the classroom. Sometimes I wonder if I say the right things at the right time to the right kid. I can say that in my 7 years of teaching, I was never ever prepared to deal with the deaths of 4 of my students. When I see their parents, all I can do is well up with tears and express how much I miss their children- and I think I couldn't do that with empathy if I didn't know the pain of losing my own. I'm not sure if I've said the right thing to the right kid or done the right thing in the classroom at the right time but I'm working on realizing that God is going to take care of the how...and my job is to take care of the what.
Who knew? {sheepishly} I guess deep down, I did.
Both my parents were (still are) educators and they worked hard from as far back as I can remember to imprint the "Reach for the moon and you'll land among the stars" mantra on my very impressionable mind. My mom, bless her heart, often sang "I can bring home the bacon and fry it up in a pan" to the top of her lungs when she fixed Sunday morning breakfast for our family. She was, and continues to be, the poster child for a woman who can have and be it 'all'. And so it was- I adopted her philosophy. My goals were the same - to bring home my very own bacon and fry it up in my very own pan!
I went to college and then got a job; a perfect recipe for buying oneself her own bacon and pan.
I had focused 'full steam ahead' on becoming highly qualified as a teacher; on obtaining a master's degree so that I could update my license; on designing thought-provoking and engaging lessons that interested my students; on looking into the eyes of each child who entered my classroom and welcoming them with open arms. I thought that my own {flesh and blood} kids would just come a little later- like they seem to for so many- easy. relatively painless. simple. when the time was right.
Not the case and so it was to be- and the pain of loss and regret and refocus changed my view of motherhood altogether; Shook it to it's core.
Suddenly I wanted nothing more than to become a mom again and {teaching} took second fiddle to this new dream (even though I read sympathy card after sympathy card from my students telling me that THEY could be my children). I wanted the flesh. I wanted the blood. I wanted it so bad I could taste it and yeah, I admit, I became a bit obsessed.
And then it didn't happen. Wouldn't happen. For some reason, couldn't happen. If you've ever struggled with infertility (or fertile impatience) then you understand that the more you try NOT to think about it, the more you freak out about it. Or at least, I did. I found myself up against a wall- an impenetrable brick wall that was keeping me from motherhood and there wasn't a dog-gone thing I could do about it, other than worry and read every book I could get my hands on.
And then it happened- oddly enough, after we had listed our names with several adoption agencies. The boys {Ryan} and {Gage} came - and they were so beautiful. My focus was different. It felt so clear. We walked...we sang...we read...we cuddled. And suddenly, my {other} job turned from what was once an oasis - a home away from home- a passion and pursuit, to a chore. A burden. A magnet that was pulling me away from my own flesh and blood and it was all against my will.
So I made a deal with God. (I know you're not supposed to do that- you're supposed to have this unshakable faith and know that no matter what happens, as long as you listen to God, you're on the right road...but well, I made a deal because sometimes it just seems easier). So I made a deal and told God that if He could somehow orchestrate my federal loan forgiveness then I wouldn't feel as guilty about quitting my job and staying at home.
Neat, huh? Sounded like a great plan to me. And then I got the forgiveness...and it felt...
like nails on a chalkboard. like a screaming cat. like it was too good to be true. like it just didn't seem 'right'. like God was trying to tell me something but it was muffled-
???? Wha ???? What is that God? What are you trying to tell me?
The deal was done, so why was I feeling like it was bad news?
Then God showed me Esther {again}.
You see, when Mordecai told Esther to talk to the king about Haman's plan to destroy the Jews, she hadn't seen the king in 30 days. Imagine that. Your husband has not called on you in 30 days- talk about feeling unloved and unwanted. 30 days? Are you kidding King Xerxes? Are you are mad? It was what it was. The only thing Esther had to hold on to at that moment, was her crown. She was the queen and approaching the king could bring certain death. The timing was awful. Couldn't Mordecai have asked Esther 30 days prior, to meet with the king? At least then, she would have felt like she had an 'in' with the king. And so Esther had a decision to make. She was at a crossroad of sorts. Should she fulfill her destiny? Or should she hold on to that beloved crown of hers. After all, I'm sure it was pretty. I'm sure she got used to wearing it and wanted it to stick around for a while...
Esther was content- God had made her content and she was at a point in her life when she might have to turn that all in and exchange it for the real possibility of death. Could she do it? Could she set aside the beautiful crown that she had come to adore and do what God told her to do?
Esther was called to be obedient. She wasn't called to save the Jews. She was destined to listen to God's plan for her life and she was quiet and still enough to hear it. God doesn't come right out and say that on the page, but it's there. Oh, it's there.
And this is when Beth Moore's words stung me like a bee and I literally jumped out of my chair.
"The revelation of a person's destiny always demands a revelation of the person" and she went on to say that the only way a person could truly fulfill her destiny is to live in a transparent way- to share the struggles of life and let people in.
And so it's a matter of destiny- of life and of death. A matter of the heart- of listening intently enough to know the difference between what I want and what God wants to do through me. I want to stay at home with my boys- I want time to stand still because it seems like it's just flying by me. I want my kids to stay little because I feel like I'm missing it but...
...I'm living my destiny and I can feel that in my spirit- in my bones. God is reminding me that my purpose is in my classroom and in not too many words has told me...
Lisa, you can either stick your heels in the mud and pout or you can pivot your heel and do this thing. Just so you know, God kinda talks to me like that- he speaks my love language so if it sounds unkind, then just know that it's what works for me and I think He knows that.
I know God allowed us to have our boys because He knew it was a desire of my heart. I know that God wants us to feel loved and share that love with our boys. But I also know that he wants me to share that love in other ways too...with other kids who are not of my own flesh and blood.
So today if I were asked if I am living my destiny and I replied, "Who knows?" then it's a total lie. I know. And yeah, I am. I'm trying to {but I have to be honest, it's still really really really tough sometimes}. I've realized through Moore's study this week that I am responsible for the 'what' in my destiny but God is going to work out the 'how' just as Esther was responsible for the what and God took care of the how.
Sometimes I wonder if I make a difference in the classroom. Sometimes I wonder if I say the right things at the right time to the right kid. I can say that in my 7 years of teaching, I was never ever prepared to deal with the deaths of 4 of my students. When I see their parents, all I can do is well up with tears and express how much I miss their children- and I think I couldn't do that with empathy if I didn't know the pain of losing my own. I'm not sure if I've said the right thing to the right kid or done the right thing in the classroom at the right time but I'm working on realizing that God is going to take care of the how...and my job is to take care of the what.
Who knew? {sheepishly} I guess deep down, I did.
Tuesday, February 17, 2009
10 Random Things
1. I'm not sure if I need an anti-aging skincare line, or acne treatment. Seriously, when is adolescence supposed to end because I was ready about 10 years ago.
2. I love driving to work in the daylight- and the clock in my upstairs bathroom is still an hour ahead from refusing to set it back for daylight savings the first time.
3. Gage threw up on me 'Exorcist Style' last night but luckily we were in the kitchen so the clean up was bearable, to say the least.
4. I went to a gun show on Valentine's day and my sweet husband bought me a blood red coral ring that I am in love with.
5. Red coral is found mostly in the Mediterranean sea, although I'm not sure where this one came from because it's old. What's more is that it {may} be regulated by CITES (Center for International Trade of Endangered Species)- I've only seen black regulated but red and pink could be added soon.
6. My skin is totally pale and my ring would look a whole lot better if it were on a tan hand.
7. I am taking Thursday off work to accompany a very excited 4 year old boy, along with his entire preschool class, to the Fire Station...and I am going to the dermatologist later that day to get all of my moles checked out.
8. I spent {almost} the entire weekend in yoga pants and a tank.
9. I have a million grades to enter from last week but our 'system' was down so I get to do it tonight- yeah me.
10. Ryan asked me last night why all girls have big bellies. If there was ever a time for a diet, I guess now would be a good time to start. (and just so we're clear- he's referring to my very pregnant sister in law and the very NON pregnant self)
2. I love driving to work in the daylight- and the clock in my upstairs bathroom is still an hour ahead from refusing to set it back for daylight savings the first time.
3. Gage threw up on me 'Exorcist Style' last night but luckily we were in the kitchen so the clean up was bearable, to say the least.
4. I went to a gun show on Valentine's day and my sweet husband bought me a blood red coral ring that I am in love with.
5. Red coral is found mostly in the Mediterranean sea, although I'm not sure where this one came from because it's old. What's more is that it {may} be regulated by CITES (Center for International Trade of Endangered Species)- I've only seen black regulated but red and pink could be added soon.
6. My skin is totally pale and my ring would look a whole lot better if it were on a tan hand.
7. I am taking Thursday off work to accompany a very excited 4 year old boy, along with his entire preschool class, to the Fire Station...and I am going to the dermatologist later that day to get all of my moles checked out.
8. I spent {almost} the entire weekend in yoga pants and a tank.
9. I have a million grades to enter from last week but our 'system' was down so I get to do it tonight- yeah me.
10. Ryan asked me last night why all girls have big bellies. If there was ever a time for a diet, I guess now would be a good time to start. (and just so we're clear- he's referring to my very pregnant sister in law and the very NON pregnant self)
Monday, February 16, 2009
Stayin' Close
1 slightly undercooked piece of sausage + 1 sweet little Gagie pie =
(1 diaper change x 5) + (1 load of laundary x 3) - 1 clean couch + 1 bath
Today is definitely a slurpie-sippin', movie-watching, stay-close-to-something-laminate kind of day :)
(1 diaper change x 5) + (1 load of laundary x 3) - 1 clean couch + 1 bath
Today is definitely a slurpie-sippin', movie-watching, stay-close-to-something-laminate kind of day :)
Sunday, February 15, 2009
The 09 Valentine
Valentine's Day was special this year- lots of memories and 'sweet nothings'...
We spent the day at a gun show, which wasn't at all as bad as it sounds :) And on the way home, with sleeping babies in the back, we stopped for a moment to enjoy the simple things in life...
We spent the day at a gun show, which wasn't at all as bad as it sounds :) And on the way home, with sleeping babies in the back, we stopped for a moment to enjoy the simple things in life...
Happy 09 Valentine's Day (a day late).
Life is Good.
Life with Love is even BETTER.
Thursday, February 12, 2009
News Flash: The Training Wheels Have Left the Building!!!
Don't knock the bike, k? I got it at a yardsale for $5 and what can I say? Ryan's favorite color is green. :)
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
His Work in Me: Installment #1
(written last night- and really, this is written for me. if you make it to the end, that's great. but i want to look back when i find myself in the tight fist of fear and remember this. if you make it to the end, i applaud you- really, i do because you're going to have to go on a weird up and down journey through my mind and let's face it, that's not always a smooth trip)
It was bath night at our house tonight. I've learned since Gage's birth, that baths don't have to happen every night (for kids, that is). I wasn't as wise with Ryan, which might explain his battle with eczema- too many baths.
We gathered around the kitchen floor for our nightly right-before-bedtime snack. This time it was Cream of Wheat. We all ate from the same bowl and tonight, Gage got the last bite. Ryan usually does, but we're learning to help the desires of others go before our own. Not as easy as it sounds. Especially since cream of wheat is soooo darn good.
Right now the boys are sleeping...and I promised myself last night that I would go to bed before 8 tonight. Didn't happen. Doesn't look like it's gonna. I'm wide awake and it's probably due to the 5:00 coffee I just had to have.
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I'm copying this dotted line 'thing' from other bloggers- I like how I can shift gears with it.
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Have I mentioned that Beth Moore's study in Esther rocked my world last week? The theme is 'it's tough being a woman' and each week, we focus on a quality in Esther that required her to be tough in order to do God's will. Every week Beth points out a reason why it's tough being a woman.
Last week I learned from Moore, that..."It's tough being a woman in the tight fist of fear".
Allow me to explain.
I am afraid every waking moment- and sometimes the fear even creeps into my dreams. I have always been afraid of weird things- mostly burglars or being kidnapped. I have an unreal fear of public restrooms and I practically hyperventilate when I have to walk somewhere alone, in the dark- esp car garages. I like to say that I was born with this fear but really, I acquired it. Where? I don't know.
I could deal with those fears though. For the most part, they were irrational. And for crying out loud, it's not like the odds were stacked against me. I knew being kidnapped- or killed- or ??? was a long shot. In my mind, I could talk myself out of them (usually).
After I became a parent, I allowed myself to be consumed by fear. It was almost like a gave birth to a ball of fear- three of them. When I say that I'm afraid every waking moment- I really am. After Ryan was born, I could dream up him being struck by a car. Not just any car- the bright yellow Hummer that lives up the street. I could see the Hummer coming...I could visualize Ryan running toward it like a magnet...and I was helpless and unable to stop it.
I used to picture myself accidentally flushing him down the toilet when he was an infant.
One time, I became so paranoid at the mall (at those little playing places) when he would leave my sight, that I just packed him up and left. I kept dreaming that people were jumping the cushions of the seating area, scooping him up, and taking off running.
When we went to Crater Lake, I wouldn't let Ryan get out of the car because I could see him slipping into the caldera- he literally stayed strapped to his carseat- in the car. I'm so grateful for the Kelty backpack; it's allowed us to keep a better 'feel' on the kids.
I can't have fun at the fair because I'm afraid one of my kids will run off and I'll never see them again. Gage wanders- and I can picture him wandering into the arms of some pedophile.
What if my child dies?
What if my husband dies?
What if I can prevent my child's death and don't?
What if I can prevent my child's death and can't?
What if my husband dies and our last words to one another weren't "I love you"?
What if I die and leave my boys without a mother?
I know where these fears come from.
They come from knowing that moment. The moment that socks you in the gut and turns your life upside down- the one that you think happens to everyone else. The moment when someone tells you that someone you love most in this world, is gone. I am in constant fear that that moment will happen again. And worse yet? I let it consume me and hold me hostage on a very consistent, regular basis.
It was bath night at our house tonight. I've learned since Gage's birth, that baths don't have to happen every night (for kids, that is). I wasn't as wise with Ryan, which might explain his battle with eczema- too many baths.
We gathered around the kitchen floor for our nightly right-before-bedtime snack. This time it was Cream of Wheat. We all ate from the same bowl and tonight, Gage got the last bite. Ryan usually does, but we're learning to help the desires of others go before our own. Not as easy as it sounds. Especially since cream of wheat is soooo darn good.
Right now the boys are sleeping...and I promised myself last night that I would go to bed before 8 tonight. Didn't happen. Doesn't look like it's gonna. I'm wide awake and it's probably due to the 5:00 coffee I just had to have.
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I'm copying this dotted line 'thing' from other bloggers- I like how I can shift gears with it.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Have I mentioned that Beth Moore's study in Esther rocked my world last week? The theme is 'it's tough being a woman' and each week, we focus on a quality in Esther that required her to be tough in order to do God's will. Every week Beth points out a reason why it's tough being a woman.
Last week I learned from Moore, that..."It's tough being a woman in the tight fist of fear".
Allow me to explain.
I am afraid every waking moment- and sometimes the fear even creeps into my dreams. I have always been afraid of weird things- mostly burglars or being kidnapped. I have an unreal fear of public restrooms and I practically hyperventilate when I have to walk somewhere alone, in the dark- esp car garages. I like to say that I was born with this fear but really, I acquired it. Where? I don't know.
I could deal with those fears though. For the most part, they were irrational. And for crying out loud, it's not like the odds were stacked against me. I knew being kidnapped- or killed- or ??? was a long shot. In my mind, I could talk myself out of them (usually).
After I became a parent, I allowed myself to be consumed by fear. It was almost like a gave birth to a ball of fear- three of them. When I say that I'm afraid every waking moment- I really am. After Ryan was born, I could dream up him being struck by a car. Not just any car- the bright yellow Hummer that lives up the street. I could see the Hummer coming...I could visualize Ryan running toward it like a magnet...and I was helpless and unable to stop it.
I used to picture myself accidentally flushing him down the toilet when he was an infant.
One time, I became so paranoid at the mall (at those little playing places) when he would leave my sight, that I just packed him up and left. I kept dreaming that people were jumping the cushions of the seating area, scooping him up, and taking off running.
When we went to Crater Lake, I wouldn't let Ryan get out of the car because I could see him slipping into the caldera- he literally stayed strapped to his carseat- in the car. I'm so grateful for the Kelty backpack; it's allowed us to keep a better 'feel' on the kids.
I can't have fun at the fair because I'm afraid one of my kids will run off and I'll never see them again. Gage wanders- and I can picture him wandering into the arms of some pedophile.
It's take a long, long time for me to sleep without interruption. Even to this day, I will jump out of bed and sneak into their rooms to feel the rhythm of their sleeping chests- just to be sure.
What if my child dies?
What if my husband dies?
What if I can prevent my child's death and don't?
What if I can prevent my child's death and can't?
What if my husband dies and our last words to one another weren't "I love you"?
What if I die and leave my boys without a mother?
I know where these fears come from.
They come from knowing that moment. The moment that socks you in the gut and turns your life upside down- the one that you think happens to everyone else. The moment when someone tells you that someone you love most in this world, is gone. I am in constant fear that that moment will happen again. And worse yet? I let it consume me and hold me hostage on a very consistent, regular basis.
Moore suggests that the IF in "What IF" is an acronym for "I Fear". Hmmmm...interesting.
Mordecai told Esther to go straight to the king to tell him what Haman was doing to the Jews. She knew that if she did, she could very well be killed. Killed. As in...walk in the room and off with your head. Esther feared death and yet she made the decision to take the risk - knowing and trusting her God. She could have said to herself, "What if I die, God? Then what?" "What if my people are killed, God? Then what?"
It seems as though Esther was in the same kind of situation as I am. What if?
Moore opened my eyes even further- peeled them open, actually. According to her (I did not do a search on my own so this is directly from her video- take it for what it's worth) the most frequent command in the bible is..."Don't Be Afraid: Fear Not". Then she asked the question, "Can you imagine a life without fear?"
Wow. Without fear? Isn't fear supposed to hang out? Isn't it supposed to be there? You see, I've been so used to it that it's become a sort of appendage. I'm not sure what would happen if it were cut free. I might just bleed to death.
None of us are born brave, Beth admits. We aren't born courageous but you know what? I've realized last week that we have victory over death- I've always known that, but for the first time, I have felt it. I'm convicted by it. Christ has fought the battle and won.
We were all dead until we chose life.
"By embracing death, taking it into himself, he destroyed the Devil's hold on death and freed all who cower through life, scared to death of death" Hebrews 2: 14-15 from The Message.
If my entire family were killed tomorrow I could and would still believe and serve God. It wouldn't be easy and by all means, I'm not asking to live that life
.... but it would be possible and it's taken me a long time to get to a place where I can say that.
Courage is a Latin word :Cor=heart with a literal translation of "comes from a heart that is loved". Today I'm living courageously because I know I am loved by Christ. I have learned that I don't have to live with fear and can put the "What Ifs"to rest and trust God.
What if ___________, then _______________?
What if my family dies? Then God.
Just Curious
_____________________________________________________
Updated
_____________________________________________________
I love your advice and I can honestly say that I'll be a better wife this week because I'm thinking long and hard about what you've suggested - so cool.
_____________________________________________________
We still have napkins from our 2000 wedding and I can tell you that our dinner guests laugh when we pull out the purple mementos. I smile a bit inside because I'm reminded of the simple 'advice' that was printed on them nearly 9 years ago...
"Love never fails" 1 Corinthians: 13
It sounds so cliche. Love never fails. I've failed at love plenty. And yes, I can say that love has failed me too. So does it really never fail?
I guess if I could give myself any marital advice it would be simple, yet complicated:
Love your spouse.
Love is always patient;
(even when you don't want to wait Lisa, wait)
love is always kind;
(if you don't have something nice to say, then don't say nothin' at all)
love is never envious or arrogant with pride.
(celebrate with JD- encourage and congratulate him often and thank God for his gifts)
Nor is she conceited,
(remember Lisa, that you are who you are because of the love you have in your arms- don't forget that)
and she is never rude;
(even when you are tired...and sick and tired...and irritated...and irrational...be polite)
she never thinks just of herself
or ever gets annoyed.
(how's about you try your hardest to be understanding and if you get annoyed, then politely explain why- put the needs of others before your own)
She never is resentful;
is never glad with sin,
(seek the truth in Christ with JD)
but always glad to side with truth,
whene'er the truth should win.
(find the truth in Christ and agree to live a new life together)
Love bears up under everything,
believes the best in all,
(turn toward - not away- from JD when the going gets tough and when the tough want to get going- talk to him because, after all, he is not a 'mind reader')
there is no limit to her hope,
and love will never fail.
1 Corinthians: 8-13
Love one another. Definitely easier said than done, but totally worth a try :)
__________________________________________________________
...what's the best marital advice that you have ever been given? Or if that doesn't really float your boat, then what's the best advice you could give a newly-wed couple?
I'm just curious. I mean, love is in the air. Do you feel it too?
Some people think that February breeds this trumped up "HallMark Holiday" that's all about frivolous spending and chocolate overdoses.... but I hafta tell ya that I'm glad to have some {pink} and {red} in the midst of all these February clouds (even though I am simply STILL in shock that the entire Garden Section at WalMart is saturated in Vday 'stuff').
So for now, yeah, I'm feeling the love.
I asked JD what he thought and here's what he said-
"I would have to say that marriage is about compromise" ... pause ... "and that it's okay to buy flowers if it's not Valentine's day".
Hmmm...what say you?
Updated
_____________________________________________________
I love your advice and I can honestly say that I'll be a better wife this week because I'm thinking long and hard about what you've suggested - so cool.
_____________________________________________________
We still have napkins from our 2000 wedding and I can tell you that our dinner guests laugh when we pull out the purple mementos. I smile a bit inside because I'm reminded of the simple 'advice' that was printed on them nearly 9 years ago...
"Love never fails" 1 Corinthians: 13
It sounds so cliche. Love never fails. I've failed at love plenty. And yes, I can say that love has failed me too. So does it really never fail?
I guess if I could give myself any marital advice it would be simple, yet complicated:
Love your spouse.
Love is always patient;
(even when you don't want to wait Lisa, wait)
love is always kind;
(if you don't have something nice to say, then don't say nothin' at all)
love is never envious or arrogant with pride.
(celebrate with JD- encourage and congratulate him often and thank God for his gifts)
Nor is she conceited,
(remember Lisa, that you are who you are because of the love you have in your arms- don't forget that)
and she is never rude;
(even when you are tired...and sick and tired...and irritated...and irrational...be polite)
she never thinks just of herself
or ever gets annoyed.
(how's about you try your hardest to be understanding and if you get annoyed, then politely explain why- put the needs of others before your own)
She never is resentful;
is never glad with sin,
(seek the truth in Christ with JD)
but always glad to side with truth,
whene'er the truth should win.
(find the truth in Christ and agree to live a new life together)
Love bears up under everything,
believes the best in all,
(turn toward - not away- from JD when the going gets tough and when the tough want to get going- talk to him because, after all, he is not a 'mind reader')
there is no limit to her hope,
and love will never fail.
1 Corinthians: 8-13
Love one another. Definitely easier said than done, but totally worth a try :)
__________________________________________________________
...what's the best marital advice that you have ever been given? Or if that doesn't really float your boat, then what's the best advice you could give a newly-wed couple?
I'm just curious. I mean, love is in the air. Do you feel it too?
Some people think that February breeds this trumped up "HallMark Holiday" that's all about frivolous spending and chocolate overdoses.... but I hafta tell ya that I'm glad to have some {pink} and {red} in the midst of all these February clouds (even though I am simply STILL in shock that the entire Garden Section at WalMart is saturated in Vday 'stuff').
So for now, yeah, I'm feeling the love.
I asked JD what he thought and here's what he said-
"I would have to say that marriage is about compromise" ... pause ... "and that it's okay to buy flowers if it's not Valentine's day".
Hmmm...what say you?
Sunday, February 8, 2009
Portland
We're back :)
...and we had a GREAT time!
-The reading conference was fabulous (as always).
- I spent waaay too much money on books for my kids (reading conferences will do that to ya).
-The food was incredible (stuffed salmon, Gustav's... and seafood everything).
- I actually saw a real 'live' pair of True Religion jeans (a ridiculously expensive brand of denim that, as urband legend has it, are the ultimate pair of jeans). I even convinced myself that one cannot put a price on the perfect fit - and let's just say that they are not 'my' perfect fit. :)
- JD and I got shin splints (not really) at IKEA and bought Gage the cutest little table and chairs set for his birthday. I can't wait to see him put together his puzzles on it. We even picked up a few little froggy and crabby chair pads...
- JD gave a woman in need $25 at IKEA - he told me she immediately started hugging him and was asking for his address so she could pay him back. He told her not to worry about it and to have a nice day- what a guy, huh? Seriously.
- We went to dinner with some really great friends that JD and I actually 'hooked up' (who are now in LOVE):
...and we had a GREAT time!-The reading conference was fabulous (as always).
- I spent waaay too much money on books for my kids (reading conferences will do that to ya).
-The food was incredible (stuffed salmon, Gustav's... and seafood everything).
- I actually saw a real 'live' pair of True Religion jeans (a ridiculously expensive brand of denim that, as urband legend has it, are the ultimate pair of jeans). I even convinced myself that one cannot put a price on the perfect fit - and let's just say that they are not 'my' perfect fit. :)
- JD and I got shin splints (not really) at IKEA and bought Gage the cutest little table and chairs set for his birthday. I can't wait to see him put together his puzzles on it. We even picked up a few little froggy and crabby chair pads...
- JD gave a woman in need $25 at IKEA - he told me she immediately started hugging him and was asking for his address so she could pay him back. He told her not to worry about it and to have a nice day- what a guy, huh? Seriously.
- We went to dinner with some really great friends that JD and I actually 'hooked up' (who are now in LOVE):
They make a cute couple, huh? We went to a place called 'Jakes' in downtown Portland for dinner (with a bunch of other great friends) and afterward Davis said to JD,
"I can tell that you and your wife really love each other a lot- what's it like being married to the woman of your dreams?"
{sigh} Can other people really 'see' that?
We're approaching 9 years married and 12 years together- we're high school sweethearts who fell in love at first sight but struggled to stay together long distance. We've seen the heights of mountains and the depths of valleys. I've been happier than I ever thought I would be- I've been 'madder than a hornet', as my grandmother would say and even still...after all of {that} and much of {this} I am more in love with him than I ever dreamt possible.
This weekend just melted the huge, frozen burg that is [shiftwork] and [stress] and [cold sheets next to me] and [email instead of kisses] and [driveway waves]...and replaced it all with a rainbow of
I.am.so.grateful.that.this.is.my.life.and.I.get.to.share.it.with.
him
period.
Thursday, February 5, 2009
G.G.G...Gage
This is a video I took last night of Gage and I think it is just too cute not to share. He will be two on April 12th and is quickly adding to his toolbelt of words. This video, however, shows how we have spent the last few days. He's completely obsessed with letters right now and can {almost} recognize them all!!!
Setting my Sights
I can't even begin to tell you the transformation that is going on deep within my soul right now. The study through Esther has been eye-opening, reassuring, and encouraging. I feel like some real heavy weights are being lifted and I can't wait to blog about what I've learned. Honestly, I feel like I'm morphing- I'm shedding skin and God's fingerprints on my life are being revealed and magnified (not that they haven't been noticed before, but it seems like lately, they are sparkling).
For now, I'm using this picture of Ryan to illustrate the change in me.
I'm setting my sights differently- much like this:
And I have to tell you that it's taken something BIG to refocus my sights, but I'm doin' it and it's been worth it (even if it looks ridiculous):
I am off to Portland this week{end} for the big ORA reading conference. JD is sneaking away with me and I cannot wait for our little weekend get-a-way. It'll be a short one - and that's okay - but for this weekend, I'm going to focus my sights on the silent, steadfast man who has my heart.
More on the morph to come...
For now, I'm using this picture of Ryan to illustrate the change in me.
I'm setting my sights differently- much like this:
(yes, those are binoculars taped to a cap gun- is he not brilliant? He is such a problem solver)
And I have to tell you that it's taken something BIG to refocus my sights, but I'm doin' it and it's been worth it (even if it looks ridiculous):
I am off to Portland this week{end} for the big ORA reading conference. JD is sneaking away with me and I cannot wait for our little weekend get-a-way. It'll be a short one - and that's okay - but for this weekend, I'm going to focus my sights on the silent, steadfast man who has my heart. More on the morph to come...
Tuesday, February 3, 2009
This, That, and the Other {a snapshot in time}
I teach a creative writing class and we're between projects right now. Translation: 2 minutes to think of something fantastic for the kids to WRITE about because in all the hustle and bustle of last week, I forgot to plan the inbetween 'thing'! I got this wild hair and decided to have another teacher come in to my room and commit a crime. He wandered in....targeted a few items....pocketed a few things....harassed a few kids and left. If you walked into my classroom and saw this, you might not have a clue what it meant:
But just ask my 8th period creative writing class. They wrote some pretty darn descriptive police reports.
And if you glanced at my chalkboard at this present time, you might think it was a litter box of sticky notes! But just ask any kid in my math class; they know better. This thingy's a stem and leaf plot:
And a line plot:
Go ahead. Ask any kid to find the mean, median, mode, and range of this data. I dare ya cause THAT'S how much we've been working on it.
My friend, Maegan, gave me this great partnering idea and so far, it's worked like a charm. There are four simple words on my chalkboard with a sticky note next to one. Each kid has a red, white, blue, and green partner. When the kids come in, the first thing they look at is this spot on the chalkboard:
And then they know to sit next to that particular partner. It's been so fun to watch how 'into' this pairing up idea the kids are. They had choice in their partner and are excited for a change of sorts. But believe you me, they let me know if they've spent too much time with one partner!
Just a lil snapshot of our word list this week. Guess what we're studying in science? One of my personal favorites :) 
And this lil gem on my desktop has made me smile since Christmas. My secret Santa gave it to me and it smells like yummy cinnamon. Everyone who comes into the classroom comments on how sweet it smells- which sure beats the adolescent alternative :)
But just ask my 8th period creative writing class. They wrote some pretty darn descriptive police reports.And if you glanced at my chalkboard at this present time, you might think it was a litter box of sticky notes! But just ask any kid in my math class; they know better. This thingy's a stem and leaf plot:
And a line plot:
Go ahead. Ask any kid to find the mean, median, mode, and range of this data. I dare ya cause THAT'S how much we've been working on it.My friend, Maegan, gave me this great partnering idea and so far, it's worked like a charm. There are four simple words on my chalkboard with a sticky note next to one. Each kid has a red, white, blue, and green partner. When the kids come in, the first thing they look at is this spot on the chalkboard:
And then they know to sit next to that particular partner. It's been so fun to watch how 'into' this pairing up idea the kids are. They had choice in their partner and are excited for a change of sorts. But believe you me, they let me know if they've spent too much time with one partner!
Just a lil snapshot of our word list this week. Guess what we're studying in science? One of my personal favorites :)And this lil gem on my desktop has made me smile since Christmas. My secret Santa gave it to me and it smells like yummy cinnamon. Everyone who comes into the classroom comments on how sweet it smells- which sure beats the adolescent alternative :)
Monday, February 2, 2009
Mom
Webster defines 'mom' as: a female person who is pregnant with or who gives birth to a child.
Ryan defines 'mom' by associating a person coming out of another person's belly. Hence, his obsession this weekend with "And whose belly did nana come out of....and whose belly did Gramma Gayle come out of....and whose belly did daddy come out of..."
I think it's pretty safe to say that Gage would define 'mom' as the person who meets his {almost} every need.
I'm not sure how you would define 'mom' but today, I'm thinking about it...because it's my mom's birthday. And to me, today is as much of a 'what mom means' day as it is her birthday. I'm SUPER glad that my mom was born on this day but I'm EVEN more glad that she's my mom.
My 'mom' is...
- a thinker. a deep, deep, enlightening not-t0o-quick-to-think-too-fast kind of thinker.
- a teacher. the kind of teacher that teaches you to be teachable- and in my opinion, that's the hardest kind to be.
- a pricipal. the one who wants to change the world.
- a girl's girl. the kind who doesn't take herself too seriously- who can laugh at bad haircut and still smile when she's got hair dye all over her neck.
My mom is also a pianist, in case you were wondering. We were so fortunate as kids to wake up in our house to my mom's beautiful music. One song that I remember most was "Blessed Assurance", which I think speaks volumes to the 'stand' my mom takes on life-
blessed: happiness, thankfulness, blissful, contented.
assurance: give confidence, freedom from doubt, firm belief.
Last night while the guys were watching the game, my sil and I took my mom to get a pedicure and manicure at the mall. And while her neck was being beaten by the little massager balls and the pedicurist was slapping at her feet, she looked at me with a 'look' that only I can recognize. I laughed until I almost cried because I knew exactly what she was thinking based soley on her 'look'- right down to "Do they wash this tank between uses?" She didn't have to say a single word.
I can't tell you how many times I've stopped in my day and wondered what my mom was doing- how she was feeling or how she was coping with something. And in that beatin, hair raisin', slappin' moment at the mall, I realized that my mom is part of my soul. Her 'look' is part of my grain and we have a connection that is deep- she's a part of me. She has molded me and on this fine February day, I'm thinkin' about how very happy I am that she was born.
Happy birthday mom!
Ryan defines 'mom' by associating a person coming out of another person's belly. Hence, his obsession this weekend with "And whose belly did nana come out of....and whose belly did Gramma Gayle come out of....and whose belly did daddy come out of..."
I think it's pretty safe to say that Gage would define 'mom' as the person who meets his {almost} every need.
I'm not sure how you would define 'mom' but today, I'm thinking about it...because it's my mom's birthday. And to me, today is as much of a 'what mom means' day as it is her birthday. I'm SUPER glad that my mom was born on this day but I'm EVEN more glad that she's my mom.
My 'mom' is...
- a thinker. a deep, deep, enlightening not-t0o-quick-to-think-too-fast kind of thinker.
- a teacher. the kind of teacher that teaches you to be teachable- and in my opinion, that's the hardest kind to be.
- a pricipal. the one who wants to change the world.
- a girl's girl. the kind who doesn't take herself too seriously- who can laugh at bad haircut and still smile when she's got hair dye all over her neck.
My mom is also a pianist, in case you were wondering. We were so fortunate as kids to wake up in our house to my mom's beautiful music. One song that I remember most was "Blessed Assurance", which I think speaks volumes to the 'stand' my mom takes on life-
blessed: happiness, thankfulness, blissful, contented.
assurance: give confidence, freedom from doubt, firm belief.
Last night while the guys were watching the game, my sil and I took my mom to get a pedicure and manicure at the mall. And while her neck was being beaten by the little massager balls and the pedicurist was slapping at her feet, she looked at me with a 'look' that only I can recognize. I laughed until I almost cried because I knew exactly what she was thinking based soley on her 'look'- right down to "Do they wash this tank between uses?" She didn't have to say a single word.
I can't tell you how many times I've stopped in my day and wondered what my mom was doing- how she was feeling or how she was coping with something. And in that beatin, hair raisin', slappin' moment at the mall, I realized that my mom is part of my soul. Her 'look' is part of my grain and we have a connection that is deep- she's a part of me. She has molded me and on this fine February day, I'm thinkin' about how very happy I am that she was born.
Happy birthday mom!
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