Warning: Graphic Images Ahead!!!

Alright. Here it is. My friend, Maegan, who moved way too far away from me, had a child {almost} 2 years ago. Because she lives 100,000,000 miles away, I missed practically her entire pregnancy! Not cool. So I begged her to send me a bare belly pregnancy picture just so I could feel more of a part of her pregnancy. So Maeg, this here's for you ;)

First pic- cause it'll be the first thing most people see when they hit this blog. I have to be honest about this one though. I have this 'magic' mirror. The reflection takes off about 20 lbs. I love this mirror and so does everyone else who looks into it. I don't care that it lies. In fact, I like that it lies. So this here, this pic? It's not really the truth, if you wanna know the truth...ha!!!


This one is actually more like it. JD and I were having a nice conversation. Can you tell??? lol. Hey- but see that new ironing board cover in the background. Don't think I wasn't excited about that $7.99 gem!!!

OMGosh. I can't believe I'm going this. Maegan, THIS is how much I love you. Good grief.

It looks inhuman.

It feels inhuman.

It feels like my skin is going to rip in half.

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BUT

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He's moving.

and dancing.

and hiccuping.

and rolling.

and punching.

and stretching.

and growing.

and breathing.

and we can't possibly be any more excited! Ready-to-rip skin and all ;)

Scaling Back

I've said it before and I'll say it again. I was raised to believe that I can bring home the bacon AND fry it up in a pan. And I can but the older I get, the more I realize the act of balance is sometimes a tricky one. Sometimes frying up bacon is the least of my worries and, well, I could sometimes even care less to bring any more home.



Today I resigned from NJr Honor Society Advisor. My heart literally jumped as I hit 'send' on the formal resignation letter to my principal and superintendent at 3:05pm.



I was worried. Worried that resigning = failure. Worried how the letter 'might' be perceived by our school board. Worried that I had to surrender; admit that I couldn't do it all. Worried that I'd regret my decision and miss that {special kind} of interaction with kids. Worried that I'd feel defeated...or deflated...or disappointed because of what I was about to do. I was worried. And I'm pretty good at worry, so it felt normal. Normal to me.



It was odd though. I hit that button and felt instant relief; the kind you get when you know what you did was the {right} thing, even if it was a hard thing. The kind of relief you get when you not only think you're on the right road...but you {feel} it too. Today I felt like my actions matched my words. My desire to spend {more} energy at home and truly leave my {work} when I need to...well, that desire just became a little bit more of a reality. I'm a person who gathers up a lot to do around the edges- just because it's who I am and what I do. I volunteer a lot and sit on a lot of different committees. I did that early on in my career (aka- before kids) but now I'm learning that it's time to scale back...and I'm not the best at drawing lines in the sand but today, I dug that line so deep you'd think I knew what I was doing :)

Today, I scaled back even though it was tough. It didn't equal fear...or regret. In fact, it was the exact opposite. Today, scaling back felt better than ever.

Waxing and waning...that's life. Sometimes it's time to wax and sometimes, it's time to wane. Balance. Scaling back. Looking {in} and making {adjustments}...even when it's tough.

The Boy's Room

One of the biggest 'to dos' for me now that the 'due' date is getting closer, has been to move Gage into the same room as Ryan. Originally, when we bought Ryan a bunk bed for Christmas three years ago, this transition was going to be easy. One bunk bed=two excited boys.

Not so.

Ryan refuses to sleep on the top (just because). And Gage just canNOT be trusted up there. So, what was once an easy move-in became an all-out disassembly of the bed. Then I had to rack my brain to figure out a way to make them both {fit} into such a teeny, tiny room. It was tough, but we got er done.

Here's what I came up with:

I got the quilts at TJMaxx for $29 and was sooo excited about it. To me, they just scream "All American Boy". The only other new item in the room is that little lamp...got it at WalMart for $10 and it's already broke. Grrr...

JD and I actually did a little "Trading Spaces" and had a bit reveal for the boys. When they saw their new room, they were so excited! They both started jumping on the beds screaming, "It's just like Peter Pan!!!" So with that...I decided to rip out a few pages of their favorite storyline and frame them on the wall...I love the saying above each of their beds: One says "Hullo Tink" and the other says "the wondering boys". Perfect.


This is the framed picture of Captain Hook, which...according to Ryan...HAS to come down every night. He's decided it makes a better Lego holder. Captain Hook is safer when he's covered up by Legos.

I got his hangy thing at IKEA a few years ago. I had high hopes for it...thought it would be really functional...turns out, it just kinda hangs there and looks cute.

And this picture is just a sign of the times. That baseball is signed by Ken Griffy Jr, but to Ryan it's as good as gold. He thinks Babe Ruth signed it.

Anyway, that's the room...finally finished. Now if I could just get the nursery ready...

Or so I {thought}

I {thought} my water broke this morning.

Seriously. I did.

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I should preface this by saying that I've never had my water 'naturally' break.

...and yeah, I realize that by kiddo {4} a person {should} have that pretty much figured out.

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but I don't so yeah, {thought} my water broke. Not good. Turns out....ya learn something new every day and I'll spare you the details :)

.

More to the point is what I learned today when my ever-loving husband asked me how far along I {really} was...because, you know...life is happening all around us and as the days turn into weeks, it's getting tough to keep up.

Sadly, I wasn't exactly sure so I googled a pregnancy calendar and input all my dates.

Turns out I'm 32 weeks and 5 days. Turns out my due date is a little {sooner} than expected. Turns out that if {everything} turns out, it looks like we might meet this new little man on March 3rd and not March 25th.

MARCH 3rd.

Um, excuse me while I {think} about a heart attack.

Are we ready?
Is {he} ready?
Can we {really} do this?

...ready or not...

(please pray with us. this is so scary)

Getting {there}

Whelp. I'm 31 weeks pregnant. Little boy blue is very active but it's funny- he goes right to bed at 10pm. He's loving breakfast burritos from Jack In the Box but I'm craving celery, peanut butter, and raisins (together, of course). I have only gained 3 lbs this month so far...my 'usual' is around 10, so I'm pretty excited :) I'm getting HUGE and hugely uncomfortable.

I'm {ready}. I think. And if I'm not...I'm getting {there}

I {still} Believe

I {almost} had gestational diabetes.
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Low carb/high protein diets aren't really much fun. Especially if you tend to lean on the 'I'm pregnant so I can eat anything I want' excuse, like I do.
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This baby still has the {parts} that make him a BOY :)
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He's about 3 lbs
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I have placenta previa which means that I'm likely to have a C-section and will need a lot of monitoring.
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I {almost} thought I wasn't in the 'high risk' pregnancy category anymore.
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This whole coffee habit thing I've got going on has got.to.stop (and has).
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How can some people JOG during pregnancy and I can barely walk?
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Why does my doctor prefer the words 'advanced maternal age' over just saying it like it is - OLD?
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I'm 30 weeks pregnant.
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In less than 2 months, I get to hold this lil guy. And rock him. And sing to him. And kiss his tiny little toes. And bathe him. And put him in the front pouch for walks. And listen to his lil mousy cries. And pinch his tiny little nose (gently, of course).
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Ryan is ready. He asks me every day if the baby is going to come out.
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Gage kisses my belly and says "Hi beeeeebeeeeee".
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I don't think JD knows what's happening... :)
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Just when I {think} I'm ready, I freak out a little bit.
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I'm nervous. I'm scared. I'm terrified. I want to fall asleep and wake up with this baby in my arms. I'm afraid of the unknown. I'm afraid of the known. I'm not 'counting my chickens' but can I just let someone know that I want my chicken??? safe. And sound. I'm wondering how my other boys got here. I'm dreading the delivery. I'm terrified that I can't do it.
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These (and many like these) thoughts have been running miles on my brain lately.

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Last night as my {other kids} were getting on the bus, I got an email alert that a massive 7.0 earthquake had just struck the island nation of Haiti.
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There were unknowns.
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There were knowns.
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I thought about the intensity of an earthquake that size; what it must be like to {live} it. Then I went home and my {normal} thoughts began cycling through my mind again.
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The next morning, we located Haiti on a map. We circled it. We wrote 7.0 next to it. We talked about the Richter Scale and what 7.0 means. We compared a 7.0 to the 6.5 Northern California experienced last week. We didn't have a lot of {news} but we {knew} what happened. And circled it on the map.
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Then later today, I saw the videos.
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The videos that showed that Haiti isn't really Haiti anymore.
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The videos that were accompanied by the sounds of mothers who were holding their dead children in their arms. I didn't see them, but I recognized the chill in their voices.
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Videos with no words because the pictures were enough.
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Videos of orphanages with tiny children in white, wooden boxes.
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Videos of entire families laying dead in the streets; of entire kindergarten classes killed by collapsing school walls.
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With my jaw dropped and tears in my eyes, I forced myself to be exposed to the tragedy. I forced myself to do more than circle it on a map. I forced myself to let me heart feel it and change because of it.
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How is your heart different today than it was yesterday?
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How is the way you {see} changed because of what you've {allowed} to change you? I can circle things on a map. I can pile up thoughts that will eat me alive. That's the easy part. But changing...well, that's the hard part.
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I {still} believe that God is greater than a 7.0; That His love transcends circumstance and His promise of eternal life springs hope that really can soothe the cry of a mother's empty arms.
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I {still} believe. And today, those thoughts...the ones that I so often allow to consume me and fill me up with fear? The ones that can change me without my knowing it (and sometimes even without my permission). Yeah, I guess I just don't see the magnitude of them the same today as I did yesterday.
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I'm trying to {see} the unseen. I'm trying to live out of fear's shadow.

{LOOK}

A few weeks ago, Ryan's teacher let me know she thought he was having trouble seeing. You wouldn't know it though, with the targets he can shoot! HA. We took him to the pediatrician, who informed us he was seeing about 20/50...then made an appt with the optometrist right away.

Turns out he does take after me a {little bit}. He's got my vision (sorry, Ry). No WONDER he's been wanting to play with my glasses all the time!!! And I've been telling him, "No...you don't want to play with my glasses because it'll mess your eyes up". Who knew it was making things clearer for him?

Gotta love teachers who pay attention, eh?