The Verdict is IN {and how I feel about it}

~It's a{nother} ... BOY~

Mis Tres Amigos

...and don't, for one second, let me convince you that I'm not elated. He's healthy...looks just like Gage...and is still sucking his thumb like Ryan. He's got a good, strong spine...long fingers...and all the organs are {present} and {accounted for}. We are blessed. Blessed, I tell you.

...but...I've never been one to gloss things over...to blow smoke or to make something seem anything unlike the truth of the matter...I've always kept it real and so I wouldn't be me if I didn't admit that my eyes are still just a wee bit puffy. It was really, really tough not to burst into tears while the 'dude' was still scanning my belly. I mean, the penile part was hardly questionable. There was no doubt.what.so.ever that this baby was anything but a BOY. Plain and simple.

It's not that I'm not grateful.

It's not that I don't feel blessed.

It's not that I don't feel like the luckiest mother in the world because believe me when I say, I do.

It's not that I don't {want} a{nother} boy.

It's not that I don't like having boys...they are MUCH more fun than I first would have thought.

It's just that I didn't expect to feel this way.

I didn't expect to cry so hard...or want to cry so hard that it just sort of fell out. I didn't expect to not want to talk to anyone...to hardly have the guts to text to my friends while I waited in a room full of people.

I didn't expect to feel these things because having a{nother} girl was always a possibility for us. It was always still a live part of the future.

I've always dreamt of sharing Strawberry Shortcake (the doll, not the dessert) with my little girl...of being the mother of the bride...and showing my daughter how to paint her nails. I've dreamt of tea parties and doll houses for as long as I can remember and I've always looked forward to an explosion of pink in my house. I wanted to dress up a little girl in frilly dresses and have a shoulder for my own daughter to cry on. These dreams of mine may have always been dreams, but they had real {life} in them...they {could} be real.

Today, I am facing the truth that the dream of having a girl is just not going to happen for me. It's not 'meant to be' and while the news of today is EVERY BIT worth rejoicing, it's accompanied by the sad reality that when my only daughter died, as did my dream that swept across her brief life. That.is.heartbreaking and I guess it has just hit me like a TON of bricks today.

This song that is play..."At Last"...I heard this song while I was in a dressing room just after having Olivia. It always reminded me of her...and made me look forward to that moment, you know? That moment when you are snuggling cheek to cheek with a dream you have had your whole life. That moment when you can breathe a sigh of relief and just say "At last...it's here. This moment is here.". I guess for me, I'm just realizing that the dream is still a reality; it's just that it's not playing out like I wanted. I know that sounds selfish but it's also dripping with truth.

This is our last child. This little bundle of joy - a bouncing belly full of boy - this little miracle growing inside of me is a gift straight from God.

Is God {still} good? Absolutely. Without question.
Am I having a boy because I wasn't good enough? That's absurd.
Do I not 'get' a girl because God doesn't want me to have the desire of my heart? That's Satan. God's grace is still sufficient for me.

Will it take me a few weeks to adjust? Um, I'm gonna say 'yeah'. And in the mean time, I am ever so blessed to have such understanding friends- who know the reality of my hurt and feel it with me; who I can call on at any time and share my deepest darkest secrets with...I am blessed to have you GIRLS in my life and don't for ONE second, think I don't see that! I love you all!!!