All my life, I have been taught that I could do anything; be anything; go anywhere.
Both my parents were (still are) educators and they worked hard from as far back as I can remember to imprint the
"Reach for the moon and you'll land among the stars" mantra on my very impressionable mind. My mom, bless her heart, often sang "I can bring home the bacon and fry it up in a pan" to the top of her lungs when she fixed Sunday morning breakfast for our family. She was, and continues to be, the poster child for a woman who can have and be it 'all'. And so it was- I adopted her philosophy. My goals were the same - to bring home my very own bacon and fry it up in my very own pan!
I went to college and then got a job; a perfect recipe for buying oneself her own bacon and pan.
I had focused 'full steam ahead' on becoming highly qualified as a teacher; on obtaining a master's degree so that I could update my license; on designing thought-provoking and engaging lessons that interested my students; on looking into the eyes of each child who entered my classroom and welcoming them with open arms. I thought that my own {flesh and blood} kids would just come a little later- like they seem to for so many- easy. relatively painless. simple. when the time was right.
Not the case and so it was to be- and the pain of loss and regret and refocus changed my view of motherhood altogether; Shook it to it's core.
Suddenly I wanted nothing more than to become a mom again and {teaching} took second fiddle to this new dream (even though I read sympathy card after sympathy card from my students telling me that THEY could be my children). I wanted the flesh. I wanted the blood. I wanted it so bad I could taste it and yeah, I admit, I became a bit obsessed.
And then it didn't happen. Wouldn't happen. For some reason, couldn't happen. If you've ever struggled with infertility (or fertile impatience) then you understand that the more you try NOT to think about it, the more you freak out about it. Or at least, I did. I found myself up against a wall- an impenetrable brick wall that was keeping me from motherhood and there wasn't a dog-gone thing I could do about it, other than worry and read every book I could get my hands on.
And then it happened- oddly enough, after we had listed our names with several adoption agencies. The boys {Ryan} and {Gage} came - and they were so beautiful. My focus was different. It felt so clear. We walked...we sang...we read...we cuddled. And suddenly, my {other} job turned from what was once an oasis - a home away from home- a passion and pursuit, to a chore. A burden. A magnet that was pulling me away from my own flesh and blood and it was all against my will.
I've read the
Purpose Driven Life by Rick Warren. I know that my life has purpose- and when I read that book I knew my purpose was teaching- but what if I've got it all wrong now? What if what I thought the purpose of my life is not really the actual purpose anymore? What if I'm on the wrong road? What if bringing home the bacon and frying it up in the pan is not a good plan for me anymore? Am I still on the right road? Who knows?
So I made a deal with God. (I know you're not supposed to do that- you're supposed to have this unshakable faith and know that no matter what happens, as long as you listen to God, you're on the right road...but well, I made a deal because sometimes it just seems easier). So I made a deal and told God that if He could somehow orchestrate my federal loan forgiveness then I wouldn't feel as guilty about quitting my job and staying at home.
Neat, huh? Sounded like a great plan to me. And then I got the forgiveness...and it felt...
like nails on a chalkboard. like a screaming cat. like it was too good to be true. like it just didn't seem 'right'. like God was trying to tell me something but it was muffled-
????
Wha ???? What is that God? What are you trying to tell me?
The deal was done, so why was I feeling like it was bad news?
Then God showed me Esther {again}.
You see, when Mordecai told Esther to talk to the king about Haman's plan to destroy the Jews, she hadn't seen the king in 30 days. Imagine that. Your husband has not called on you in 30 days- talk about feeling unloved and unwanted. 30 days? Are you kidding King Xerxes? Are you are mad? It was what it was. The only thing Esther had to hold on to at that moment, was her crown. She was the queen and approaching the king could bring certain death. The timing was awful. Couldn't Mordecai have asked Esther 30 days prior, to meet with the king? At least then, she would have felt like she had an 'in' with the king. And so Esther had a decision to make. She was at a crossroad of sorts. Should she fulfill her destiny? Or should she hold on to that beloved crown of hers. After all, I'm sure it was pretty. I'm sure she got used to wearing it and wanted it to stick around for a while...
Esther was content- God had made her content and she was at a point in her life when she might have to turn that all in and exchange it for the real possibility of death. Could she do it? Could she set aside the beautiful crown that she had come to adore and do what God told her to do?
Esther was called to be obedient. She wasn't called to save the Jews. She was destined to listen to God's plan for her life and she was quiet and still enough to hear it. God doesn't come right out and say that on the page, but it's there. Oh, it's there.
And this is when Beth Moore's words stung me like a bee and I literally
jumped out of my chair.
"The revelation of a person's destiny always demands a revelation of the person" and she went on to say that the only way a person could truly fulfill her destiny is to live in a transparent way- to share the struggles of life and let people in.
And so it's a matter of destiny- of life and of death. A matter of the heart- of listening intently enough to know the difference between what I want and what God wants to do through me. I want to stay at home with my boys- I want time to stand still because it seems like it's just flying by me. I want my kids to stay little because I feel like I'm missing it but...
...I'm living my destiny and I can feel that in my spirit- in my bones. God is reminding me that my purpose is in my classroom and in not too many words has told me...
Lisa, you can either stick your heels in the mud and pout or you can pivot your heel and do this thing. Just so you know, God kinda talks to me like that- he speaks my love language so if it sounds unkind, then just know that it's what works for me and I think He knows that.
I know God allowed us to have our boys because He knew it was a desire of my heart. I know that God wants us to feel loved and share that love with our boys. But I also know that he wants me to share that love in other ways too...with other kids who are not of my own flesh and blood.
So today if I were asked if I am living my destiny and I replied, "Who knows?" then it's a total lie. I know. And yeah, I am. I'm trying to {but I have to be honest, it's still really really really tough sometimes}. I've realized through Moore's study this week that I am responsible for the 'what' in my destiny but God is going to work out the 'how' just as Esther was responsible for the what and God took care of the how.
Sometimes I wonder if I make a difference in the classroom. Sometimes I wonder if I say the right things at the right time to the right kid. I can say that in my 7 years of teaching, I was never ever prepared to deal with the deaths of 4 of my students. When I see their parents, all I can do is well up with tears and express how much I miss their children- and I think I couldn't do that with empathy if I didn't know the pain of losing my own. I'm not sure if I've said the right thing to the right kid or done the right thing in the classroom at the right time but I'm working on realizing that God is going to take care of the how...and my job is to take care of the what.
Who knew? {sheepishly} I guess deep down, I did.
The boys got dad some super cute bird houses :)
Happy Birthday to ... an amazing husband who takes the time trim cut grass from a precious grave...
