{Pumpkin} Update

We went to the pumpkin patch a few days ago and here are the highlights. I just love this picture of the boys! Ryan is doing his best to wrangle Gage in- just cracks me up :)

My battery died right after this picture - when I posed for my first 'pregnant' photo. Go figures~! Ha. No worries though, I'll get 'er done. JD keeps telling me that I need to get a picture before I get huge. Nice, huh? lol.

Speaking of {pumpkins}...I have a doctor's appt on Monday to see if this little baby is a boy or a girl...I'll definitely post about it here right away!

obedience {today}

Today...

I was met by a non-stop barking dog at 6am....

Coffee spilled ALLLLL over my fuzzy pink robe by 9...(thank you Gage)

a Sunday school {partner} who couldn't make it by 10...

and 2 kids to get ready for church in under 5 minutes by 10:05...

and while I wanted to flop right down on the ground and start kicking my legs and flailing my arms, I was reminded...

This day - this day that seems to be starting off {wrong} - this day that I want to end before it begins - this day, is the day that the Lord has made. Let us {rejoice} and be glad in it.

I decided to leave the boys at home with JD while I went to church to teach {my} 3/4 year old Sunday school class. My {heart} was weary- and in a 'place' far, far, far away from gratitude...obedience...and love.

I want to volunteer more {but I'm tired all the time}
I want to be more involved {but I'd rather be at home}
I want to help teaching {but I work full time as it is}
I want to do God's will {but I need His help on a minute by minute basis}

{today} didn't start off great, but on the way to church, He changed my heart- He prepared a {day} to {rejoice} and be {glad} in.

I was alone in the leap room ... and it was one of the BEST days I've ever had! Me {and the five boys I had today} scribbled circles in shaving cream...sang songs at the top of our lungs...sat on the floor and read books...painted with REAL brushes instead of color crayons...dressed up in crossing guard uniforms and danced with orange cones on our heads...we made elephants out of legos...and blew bubbles allllll over the place but mostly, we learned that God loves us...and made us...and teaches us...alllll of us.

because {today} God taught me...

obedience is a choice.
love is a choice.
and living a life with a tender and willing heart - well, that's a choice too.

Wasting a Life

Some people might say that a life without someone to share it with, is wasted.



I'm not sure if I agree with that. I think some people share their lives with a lot of people, and still waste it. And others seem to live what I might call a 'lonely' life, but are truly content and fruitful- a far cry from a waste.


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Are you wasting your life? Am I wasting my life? How would we know?


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I just finished the first chapter in a book by Linda Dillow called Calm My Anxious Heart, which speaks of finding true contentment. I've learned that contentment, a lot like joy, is a state of heart rather than circumstance. It's not happiness. It's not glee...it's a steady joy that a person feels knowing that God is in control...from the very beginning until the very end. Dillow suggests that a life that is not content, is wasted. So how are we supposed to know if we're content? And if we aren't content, how are we supposed to get there?


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In the book, Dillow bulletts the 'recipe' for contentment and first on the list? "Don't complain about anything...not even the weather".


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This might be a good time to confess that I am a really, really good complainer. I can complain about pretty much anything under the sun, especially the current state of our education system. It surprises me sometimes, how much I complain about a job that I would really and truly do for FREE. That's how much I enjoy what I do, and yet I rarely let up the complaints. Why IS that?


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So my focus this week (and hopefully for years to come but I like to take baby steps...) is to hold the complaints. This life is a gift- from the beginning to the very end and if I am spending that gift pointing out what's wrong with it, then I fail to fulfil my purpose. If I waste the gift of life, I waste my life.


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And so I'm back to the beginning question...is a life with no one to share it with one that is wasted? Maybe it's just that sharing your life with others allows you to peek a little clearer into the gift that you're living. We are blessed...and sometimes, through the fog that others help us to pass, it becomes clear as day.


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Yesterday we realized our pediatrician has no more flu vaccinations. As in - none 'til November. We opted to spend the afternoon at one of our family's favorite spots. Howard Amon beats a round of flu shots any 'ol day ;) (Note the potential complain turned optomist, here. I'm trying, can you tell?)



There is SUCH joy in watching children play.

Ryan's fav- the ZIP line!

See how JD is looking around? Like "Is anyone gonna see this?" kind of looking around? And see how Ryan is doing the 'happy dance'?

That's because they both attempted the...shall we say...impossible?

I could be wrong, but I'm pretty sure the swing is supposed to be OFF the ground. Hahahahahha!

...and so are the people who ride on it! :)

This life of ours, it's a gift. And I'm going to try like crazy not to blow it.

Fall and the {fall}

The fire is going...

The new scentsy smell is filling the air...

Spiced chai at my side...

fall is definitely {here}.

I had a doctor's appt yesterday afternoon. My doctor couldn't find the baby's heartbeat with the doppler...and as he slowly {silently} scanned my belly, it was all I could do but squeek out the words, "find it". He gave up on the doppler and opted for an ultra sound...I waited {silently} for his return.

"I've been right here in this moment before. I know how to do this" was what I was thinking...

Beads of sweat and no words later, he pointed to the screen and said without reservation, "there it is...right there...and I can see all four chambers".

"Yes" I reply. "But are those chambers moving?"

And they were. Thank God.

tiny miracles...one at a time.

A conversation with {Ryan}

Driving home from school today...

"Mom...are there beds in heaven?"

"Yeah, Ryan. There are probably beds in heaven."

"Why?"

"I would imagine it's so all the people in heaven have a nice, comfy place to sleep. God takes real good care of people in heaven too."

"Oh...hmmm..."

"Hmmm, what?"

"But there are probably not cribs..."

"I bet there are some real nice cribs"

"Yeah, because what about our sister, Olivia. She would need a crib."

"I'm sure she has a very nice crib in heaven."

"Yeah and probably so do all the other babies who die."

"Yes, God takes very good care of them"

"Hey mom, is our new baby dying?"

{gulp}

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No matter what it is...no matter where it is...no matter how it is...I can do all things through Christ, who gives me strength.

A great way to start off Tuesday...

Nothing too out of the ordinary...V8 splash and a granola bar for breakfast- just like every other day- and out.the.door- about as fast as a person can get out a door at 6:30am with two kids in one hand and coffee in the other.
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On Tuesdays, the boys go the babysitter until 8am, when JD can pick them up. Gage was still in his jammies and Serena (our super great sitter) was talking to me while I laid him down...
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then it HIT.
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all I could say was..."excuse me"...simultaneously running toward the bathroom. The bathroom that was literally steps away (thank GOD).
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There, I proceeded to vomit for a good ten minutes until I returned to my awaiting children and Serena, standing before me with a sleeve of Saltine Crackers. Ever tried to vomit in silence? It still brings tears to my eyes.
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I stood before her. "This pregnancy thing" I began. "It's not as easy as it looks". And so, with water in my eyes and a hitch in my step, I proceeded with my Tuesday morning...and thanks to Serena who completely understood the start to my morning, saltines in my holster.
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Hope your Tuesday got off to a better start than mine!

Death and {Life}

There is nothing quite like death. It's sobering. It's world-stopping; It's pain-staking, heart-pounding, breath-taking. It changes a person for the rest of their natural life. And there's nothing quite like having to bury your own child. I can say with all my might, that the death of our child has made me a completely different person. A different {kind} of person. Some of this new {kind} is good - I have a new lens for life that appreciates the small, minute things- but don't let that fool you. There are moments when this lens is fogged with fear, regret, and over-protection. Good. Bad. Ugly. This life of mine, after death- well, it's a different {kind} of living.

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And after that {moment} in death, I never thought I'd be in a {moment} of life, like this.

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I never thought that these bedrooms in our house would be...full of live, laughing, loving children. I can't tell you how many nights I spent on my knees- wanting nothing more than to have someone else in my home take a breath. JD worked nights after Olivia died and at the time, our home in the evening was a very, very lonely place. I chose my knees over my TV - and the comfort of tears over talking. I spent {days} in Psalms, crying out.

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Fast forward to Friday. I had an ultrasound to check for some genetic diseases (like downs and trisomy). I was nervous - nervous to get 'news', nervous to see a stopped heart, just nervous. It was the first appt JD had ever had to miss - So I roped my friend, Crystal, into coming with me just in case. Turns out, the baby looks perfect.

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I expected to see a blob. A baby blob- hopefully with a beating heart and some movement.

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I did NOT expect to see a fully formed child already. I did NOT expect to see 10 tiny fingers and 10 tiny toes. And I certainly did NOT expect to see this child of ours sucking his thumb (just like both his brothers). We didn't get to peek at any gender parts, but heck, I'm used to saying 'he' around these parts :)

I think it's pretty safe to say that despite the surprise...the 'holy cow I can't believe I'm pregnant how in the world will I be able to do this' feeling...I think despite that, it's safe to say that I am in heart-breaking, life-changing, jaw dropping love at first sight.

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Can it be possible? Can it be possible that {life} can change our lives just as much as {death}?