Death and {Life}

There is nothing quite like death. It's sobering. It's world-stopping; It's pain-staking, heart-pounding, breath-taking. It changes a person for the rest of their natural life. And there's nothing quite like having to bury your own child. I can say with all my might, that the death of our child has made me a completely different person. A different {kind} of person. Some of this new {kind} is good - I have a new lens for life that appreciates the small, minute things- but don't let that fool you. There are moments when this lens is fogged with fear, regret, and over-protection. Good. Bad. Ugly. This life of mine, after death- well, it's a different {kind} of living.

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And after that {moment} in death, I never thought I'd be in a {moment} of life, like this.

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I never thought that these bedrooms in our house would be...full of live, laughing, loving children. I can't tell you how many nights I spent on my knees- wanting nothing more than to have someone else in my home take a breath. JD worked nights after Olivia died and at the time, our home in the evening was a very, very lonely place. I chose my knees over my TV - and the comfort of tears over talking. I spent {days} in Psalms, crying out.

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Fast forward to Friday. I had an ultrasound to check for some genetic diseases (like downs and trisomy). I was nervous - nervous to get 'news', nervous to see a stopped heart, just nervous. It was the first appt JD had ever had to miss - So I roped my friend, Crystal, into coming with me just in case. Turns out, the baby looks perfect.

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I expected to see a blob. A baby blob- hopefully with a beating heart and some movement.

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I did NOT expect to see a fully formed child already. I did NOT expect to see 10 tiny fingers and 10 tiny toes. And I certainly did NOT expect to see this child of ours sucking his thumb (just like both his brothers). We didn't get to peek at any gender parts, but heck, I'm used to saying 'he' around these parts :)

I think it's pretty safe to say that despite the surprise...the 'holy cow I can't believe I'm pregnant how in the world will I be able to do this' feeling...I think despite that, it's safe to say that I am in heart-breaking, life-changing, jaw dropping love at first sight.

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Can it be possible? Can it be possible that {life} can change our lives just as much as {death}?