My Confession

So I have a confession to make. Being a Christian is hard. Walking in faith is sometimes a struggle and I can definitely say that it's sometimes the hardest thing I've ever done. I think I might be so bold as to say that if anyone told me that it was easy, I'd doubt their depth. But who knows, perhaps it's my own depth that I should doubt.

You see, sometimes I'd rather lay on the couch and read the latest novel than open my bible. Sometimes I think, "Gee, wouldn't it be nice to sleep through church today?" Or gosh, why do I always feel like I should do the right thing when sometimes, I just plain don't wanna? And then I'm reminded of His grace and mercy and it simply washes over me.

What moves you? Is it what you read? What you hear? What you say? Maybe what you see? For me, it's music. Don't get me wrong, I read a lot. I sing. I watch things. But for me, I am moved...my soul is moved...by music. My friends make fun of my musical style because I really don't have one. I like it ALL. It's funny- Ryan was laughing at me the other day when I was listening to an Italian love song. He was asking me what the words were saying because it was IN Italian. I didn't really know (and still don't) but I explained to him what I thought the words were saying. I guess that's what I mean by 'moved'- something that touches your soul so deeply that you yourself don't really understand why or how. I can laugh at music. Cry with it. Scream at it. Make it. I just love it.

So this is my Josh Groban part II post. The song is called Confession and it's one of my favorites. This is the song that I put on repeat while I clean my house. I never grow tired of it and it's always a great reminder to keep pushing through this seemingly tough Christian life.

I have been blind,
unwilling to see
The true love you're giving.

(not on purpose, you know? it just happens. What I struggle with the most is the fact that sometimes I am unwilling to see the true love Christ gives. I can camp out on injustice of this world and get stuck there. I can talk about wars and public education and gas prices and get SUPER distracted from Christ's love).

I have ignored every blessing.
I'm on my knees confessing
That I feel myself surrender

(It's so easy to think that we 'work so hard' and can take credit for the blessings we have. I have to admit that the only reason I am a teacher is because Christ has willed it. JD's swears that God took over his body and spoke for him at his interviews. I believe him too, because I've had it happen. I've stood, shocked, wondering why I've said certain things, knowing of course, that God spoke for me. Our kids. This house. Our paychecks. The cars. The pergolla that JD built (I mention that because I love it so much)- it's all His. It's all because of Him.)

Each time I see your face.
I am staggered by your beauty,

(I picture a sunset. God always shows up at sunset!)

Your unassuming grace.

(One time I asked my brother, Kasey, what he thought grace meant. I'll never forget what he told me: "Grace is an uncondioned gift". Wow. To give a gift and have to expectation or condition. And the gift? Your only son??? WOW).

And I feel my heart is turning,
Falling into place.

(This is the switch. You know, from complaining that being a Christian is so hard and on and on to wow, thank you God. Thank you for your grace and your love. My heart is falling in to place and thank you for putting this song in Josh Groban's mouth so that he could remind me).

I can't hide
Now hear my confession.
I have been wrong about you.
Thought I was strong without you.

(One time I told God, "Okay, God. Thanks. I can take it from here." Holy cow. Don't ever do that. Ryan was in the hospital for 9 days with a funky virus within days of that utterance. I'm not saying that God PUT Ryan in the hospital to teach me a lesson but I am saying that it's easy to tell God that he can take a back seat when the seas are smooth. I have felt the closest to God during the worst times of my life and now I'm working on staying close during the best).

For so long nothing could move me.
For so long nothing could change me.

(I got mad at God after Olivia died and I was very stubborn toward Him. I remember telling Him things like, "If we don't have another baby then I'll KNOW you don't exhist". He never said anything back but I could feel His hug. You know when you're mad and somebody goes to hug you and you push them away? Yeah, it was like that. I had a very difficult time getting pregnant again- well, more difficulty staying pregnant, and it wasn't until I finally confessed that I needed to surrender myself to Him that we could move forward).

Now I feel myself surrender
Each time I see your face.
I am captured by your beauty,
Your unassuming grace.

(I can say that I am in a place in my life where I am captured...stunned...overjoyed...shocked by Christ's beauty. I'm grateful that I can SEE His beauty because for a long time I had a hard time seeing it).

And I feel my heart is turning,
Falling into place.
I can't hide
Now hear my confession.

And this is my love song for God; what I sing while I'm cleaning. My way of saying that I'm sorry I suck.

[bridge:]You are the air that I breath.
You're the ground beneath my feet.
When did I stop believing?
Cause I feel myself surrender
Each time I see your face.
I am staggered by your beauty,
Your unassuming grace.
And I feel my heart
Falling into place.
I can't hide
Now hear my confession.
I can't hide
Now hear my confession.
Hear my confession