The Rain

I have been thinking about this post for months. It’s funny that I have these messages so deep down- like buried inside my soul. It’s hard for me to grab on to them and put words to the feelings and images that I see. So here’s my try.

Have you ever felt the Holy Spirit? Have you ever connected so deeply with Christ that you couldn’t find the words to explain how it felt or how you were changed by it? I am so grateful for the Spirit- and at times, I feel that I’m so bare and unworthy, you know? And then I heard this song by Josh Groban: Remember when it rained. Here are the lyrics and my sort of rendition of what it means to me-


Wash away the thoughts inside
That keep my mind away from you.
No more love and no more pride
And thoughts are all I have to do.

(This is the place that I have to make myself go when it’s just me and God- wash out all the ‘stuff’ and just BE with Him- and talk to him. Sometimes I yell at him- like when Olivia died. I remember throwing a black boot through the window and screaming “I hate you” to God. I felt so guilty for that afterward. Like right then and there, I should have been struck down by lightning or something. It took me a long time to realize that my anger was evidence that God and I still had a relationship and anger is a part of any relationship. We were still talking – okay, okay, so I was doing a lot of the talking. Sometimes God and I laugh and cry...sometimes He puts me in my place and sometimes He just fills my heart with songs, pictures, and love...and thoughts).

Ohhhhhh Remember when it rained.
Felt the ground and looked up high
And called your name.
Ohhhhhh Remember when it rained.
In the darkness I remain.

(This is where my thoughts turn metaphoric- the rain isn’t really rain, it represents the times in our lives when we lose control. You can’t control rain. I know of a farmer that my dad used to work for who would inject some kind of chemical into the air to get it to rain on his crops. It didn’t work. And so this part of the song makes me think of the first time in my life when I couldn’t control what was happening- when it stood still. I swear that I could literally FEEL the 1,038 mph rotational speed of Earth. Have you ever had a moment that brought you to your knees? I remember sitting on my parent’s back porch on November 19th, 2002 staring off into a fog-covered sunrise in pure shock that it was actually rising because life as I knew it was over. I just sat in my 'darkness' for a long, long time).

Tears of hope run down my skin.
Tears for you that will not dry.
They magnify the one within
And let the outside slowly die.

(So this is where I picture myself naked (not naked in a bad way- just exposed) in a super downpour- I’m talking major rain storm. You know, the kind with huge drops? No wind. Just rain. Lots and lots of huge droppy rain. And in the rain, I cry- like Josh says, tears of hope that won’t dry. Do you know how important hope is? And tears that hopefully magnify the Lord, you know? That people will somehow see God in my life and know that He’s real? And letting the outsie slowly die- that's me and all that makes me human. You know, the part of me that sucks. That I hate but sometimes can't help it...and the part that I can't really explain. I want that part of me to die. I want God to scrape it off me and wash it away in the rain).

Ohhhhhh Remember when it rained.
I felt the ground and looked up high
And called your name.
Ohhhhhh Remember when it rained.

(I love to sing along to this part- to speak the words to God and tell him, “yeah, I remember when it rained…and I remember how you picked my limp body up and rocked me…and told me that I would see Olivia again…and rock her again…and you never turned your back when I called your name. Yeah, I remember and…thank you with my life.”)

In the water I remain

(the water- you know, the rain? Yeah, so now it represents the Holy Spirit. That water that becomes you, you know? And the science part of my brain understands how important water is to your body- something like 98% of your entire body is water. And I think that the Holy Spirit is like that; critical in sustaining life).

Running down
Running down
Running down
Running down
Running down
Running down
Running down

(And this is where I see a rainbow and am reminded of His promise, which includes Olivia)