an {up}date

i'm exhausted. so much so that i'm not going to pay any attention to capitals.

i had the amnio today but it wasn't without {fear}.

the appt was at 1:00 and jd and i joked about what time it would actually happen. i said 4 he said 6. turns out we were both wrong.

our nurse was nice. she wanted to know why we were getting the amnio...and why we were opting to induce if the baby's lungs were ready...so we explained that we lost our first baby at 39 weeks due to a complete freak cord accident and we want to get this little guy out as soon as possible...that we feel much better with the baby OUT than we do with the baby IN. it's tough for people to understand that.

then she started hooking me up to the monitors- one for contractions and one for the baby's heart rate. she tried the left side. no go. she tried the right side. no go. i kept thinking 'i know he's okay, i've been feeling him move' but something inside me could not justify NOT hearing his heartbeat. she kept scanning my belly and finally gave up. she looked me in the eye and told me she knew i was freaking out and that she'd go get the ultrasound machine.

ultrasound machine. for a full term baby? is that REALLY necessary???? it was when we had olivia...and the turn of events was almost identical. i was secretly having a heart attack at this moment. jd asked, 'he's been moving, right?' and i tried to reassure him but i was slipping fast...

about 20 minutes of complete and total silence....and a baby not moving....and a mother's heart breaking....and a father on his knees...later, the doctor himself came in wheeling the ultrasound machine behind him. that fact that the doc was there was enough to worry both jd and i. this wasn't just a matter of needing a better machine. everyone was worried.

the nurses stood against the wall and none of them were breathing.

the doc started scanning my belly...slowly...silently...trying to make jokes, which were falling on deaf ears. i saw the baby's ribs and there was no movement inside them. it was a complete flashback to olivia. the doc asked for the lights to be turned off...and kept scanning. that's when i lost it. and that's when jd lost it too.

i wanted to throw the scanner thingy against the wall and scream to the top of my lungs, "cut this baby out of me NOW!!!!!"

just then, jd screams "i see it...it's right there lees...i see it" the doc asks for the doppler and it FINALLY picks up a heartbeat. i just couldn't stop sobbing. the baby was turned around in a weird position. his back was facing us and that's why i couldn't see any movement within the ribcage. and oddly enough, his heartbeat was finally discovered underneath my ribcage.

i can't even really explain in words how that felt. it was almost a complete repeat of what happened with olivia...and yet was a total miracle in the end. i know i'm getting a lot of monitoring with this pregnancy but it just goes to show that something bad can happen at any.moment.

the amnio was tough but i made it through. we're waiting on the results...and the doc should call sometime tomorrow afternoon. i can't really say when the 'real' day will be because it seems like when i do, we take about three steps backward. i'm thinking that if we have this baby sometime before april, it'll be great :)

waiting....

waiting....

praying....

hoping....

trying to be {up} but it's getting tough.

period.