The Birthday {BOY}

Happy birthday, JD. Today, we celebrate YOU...

Your humor.
Your smile.
Your tender heart.
Your chatty nature and giving spirit.

Today ... there are about a billion people who are sure glad you were born...but probably none as much as me :)

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We ate lunch at {our} new favorite joint: Famous Dave's BBQ and I forced a picture on him...

Then we went shopping for hats and stopped for in impromptu surprise at Crystal and Jason's. She made him his cherry chip cake with cherry frosting since we were at doctor appts all morning.

Note the Jack Lambert cake topper on a PINK cake!!!!!

Ya just GOTTA love JD :) Happy birthday, sweets.

Faith Like Potatoes

Potato Field: image courtesy Getty Images

Everything, every tiny little thing, happens for a reason. Often times when JD and I can't decide which movie to rent, we peruse the Blockbuster website and watch trailers until something strikes our fancy.

"Faith Like Potatoes" struck my fancy. It's like the movie had a golden halo around it with the subscript, rent me. We also rented "The Last House on the Left" which was one I couldn't even get through. We made it till the woods scene and I finally told JD to shut it off. I just couldn't take any more of that movie. Don't rent it. Just don't.

But "Faith Like Potatoes" was different. Do rent it. Do.

It's about a Scottish African farmer who is trying to make it against all odds. His life is falling apart...his family is falling apart...and his farm is drying up. He goes to church one morning and God shakes him back to life. Long story short, he decides to give his life, and his farm, to the Lord. The entire tale is one of obedience and faith...of perseverance and scrutiny and a Lord that never ever gives up. It's about an ordinary man living an ordinary life with an extraordinary God in charge. He's not immune to tragedy. He's not living without fear. He's human and is constantly reminding himself that he needs God's help...his guidance and love...and on a daily, minute by minute basis.

I'm going to ruin the movie for you so if you're interested in renting it, stop reading now :)

At the end of the film, Angus (the farmer) decides to plant potatoes in the middle of a devastating African drought. Nothing is growing and everyone is scared. The thought of potatoes almost makes the village laugh, but Angus faithfully and obediently plants the crop despite the scoffs.

Simeon, Angus' right hand, eagerly awaits the harvest as well. In fact, he tries to pry open the earth just to take a peek at the crop before it's ready. Angus, on the other hand, waits patiently for the day of harvest...for God's promise to be revealed...and requires Simeon to do the same.

The field, covered in dry stalks and puny leaves tells a grim story of what could be beneath the surface. If you glanced over top the farm, you might guess the earth beneath holds no more than weeds and rot. The above-ground crop looks a lot like my garden in August after two weeks when I realize it's nto been getting any water - only worse. The harvest looks grim but with potatoes, there's no real way to tell until they are dug up.

When it's finally time, together, the two men unearth the largest potato crop Africa has seen in quite some time and they dance before the Lord.

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I can't help but find myself in this story; and maybe you can find yourself a little too.

I've been comparing this idea of the potato to this little life in side me. On the outside, it's scary- I might even say at times, dreary. I look at this belly and see it bounce around and can't help but think that at any moment, the movement could stop. At any moment, this fruit of my womb could be bouncing around with his maker instead of with me. I can't help but notice those 'dry' moments of desperation when I'm on the outside....seeing what's on the outside.

But often times I forget that the real fruit - the real fruit is on the inside and the promise of hope, well, that's there as well but it's hard to see and right now, it's hard to even remember. So when I say to myself, "Have faith like potatoes', I'm really thinking...have faith, Lisa.

Have the kind of faith that doesn't rely on what's happening all around you. Instead, focus on what is happening IN you. IN your heart; IN your soul; and yes, even IN your belly.

Have the kind of faith that doesn't require peeks...and prods...but that can be patient, knowing God's promise is about to be revealed.

Have the kind of faith that knows no matter what happens, it's happening because glory will be unearthed and have the kind of faith that is humbled before the Lord.

Have faith...like potatoes.

And don't be surprised if I just happen to lovingly refer to this little boy as my sweet little potato from now until eternity because EVERYTHING....even blockbuster rentals....happen for a reason.

an {up}date

i'm exhausted. so much so that i'm not going to pay any attention to capitals.

i had the amnio today but it wasn't without {fear}.

the appt was at 1:00 and jd and i joked about what time it would actually happen. i said 4 he said 6. turns out we were both wrong.

our nurse was nice. she wanted to know why we were getting the amnio...and why we were opting to induce if the baby's lungs were ready...so we explained that we lost our first baby at 39 weeks due to a complete freak cord accident and we want to get this little guy out as soon as possible...that we feel much better with the baby OUT than we do with the baby IN. it's tough for people to understand that.

then she started hooking me up to the monitors- one for contractions and one for the baby's heart rate. she tried the left side. no go. she tried the right side. no go. i kept thinking 'i know he's okay, i've been feeling him move' but something inside me could not justify NOT hearing his heartbeat. she kept scanning my belly and finally gave up. she looked me in the eye and told me she knew i was freaking out and that she'd go get the ultrasound machine.

ultrasound machine. for a full term baby? is that REALLY necessary???? it was when we had olivia...and the turn of events was almost identical. i was secretly having a heart attack at this moment. jd asked, 'he's been moving, right?' and i tried to reassure him but i was slipping fast...

about 20 minutes of complete and total silence....and a baby not moving....and a mother's heart breaking....and a father on his knees...later, the doctor himself came in wheeling the ultrasound machine behind him. that fact that the doc was there was enough to worry both jd and i. this wasn't just a matter of needing a better machine. everyone was worried.

the nurses stood against the wall and none of them were breathing.

the doc started scanning my belly...slowly...silently...trying to make jokes, which were falling on deaf ears. i saw the baby's ribs and there was no movement inside them. it was a complete flashback to olivia. the doc asked for the lights to be turned off...and kept scanning. that's when i lost it. and that's when jd lost it too.

i wanted to throw the scanner thingy against the wall and scream to the top of my lungs, "cut this baby out of me NOW!!!!!"

just then, jd screams "i see it...it's right there lees...i see it" the doc asks for the doppler and it FINALLY picks up a heartbeat. i just couldn't stop sobbing. the baby was turned around in a weird position. his back was facing us and that's why i couldn't see any movement within the ribcage. and oddly enough, his heartbeat was finally discovered underneath my ribcage.

i can't even really explain in words how that felt. it was almost a complete repeat of what happened with olivia...and yet was a total miracle in the end. i know i'm getting a lot of monitoring with this pregnancy but it just goes to show that something bad can happen at any.moment.

the amnio was tough but i made it through. we're waiting on the results...and the doc should call sometime tomorrow afternoon. i can't really say when the 'real' day will be because it seems like when i do, we take about three steps backward. i'm thinking that if we have this baby sometime before april, it'll be great :)

waiting....

waiting....

praying....

hoping....

trying to be {up} but it's getting tough.

period.

What We've Decided.

It all started with JD's cell phone. He calls it his Mary Kay phone. When I was picking out new phones and signing up for an extended cell phone plan, he told me very simply "Just get me the most basic phone they have". And that's just what I did. I prefer to call it "the $20 phone".

It's green. And has black buttons. JD's favorite part? The white; the white that covers the entire phone...and makes it look 'chic-ish'. I assured him that he could get a cover - but evidently it's the only phone in the world that doesn't have a cover that fits it. Paint it maybe? A nice, big skull and crossbones sticker maybe? Regardless, he's learned to use it now and refuses to get another one that he has to relearn.

So...I get to hear all about this lame cell phone. But in the waiting room at APW yesterday, I think our extended wait time got the best of us. He began explaining how everything he talks on his phone, his giant ear lobes cause the touch screen to vibrate in his ear and dial random numbers ... he proceeded to show me how he has to hold the phone away from his head while he's talking so he doesn't mis-dial! And so from that moment forward, it was the official launch of laugh-fest March 2010.

I don't know what came over us.

Nervous laughter, maybe?

Idiots, probably?

One thing's for sure. Here's what we've decided:

JD and I are both REALLY glad that there are no video cameras in the exam rooms. I'm going to have to leave the rest to the imagination but I will just say that it was 100 degrees in there...and no amount of magazine waving slowed down the heat. What's more, is that my loving husband practically convinced the doctor to 'check me'. Can you even believe that???? Who throws their wife under a bus that big? So when I went into the room and saw the paper blanket, I started seething. Seething, I say. Then I began telling JD how 'kind' it was of him to change the plan like that...and that I hoped he was happy...and that ... and that ... and that I did NOT want to get undressed. All I wanted was an amnio...there's plenty of time for all that 'checking' later!!!

I couldn't help myself but flash forward to JD's turn...in the stirrups. I'm not sure what came over me, but I began to cackle like the Wicked Witch of the West...and instantly felt much, much better.

The amnio never happened. It ended up being too late - too close to 5:00 by the time we actually were seen by our doc - OR the office staff realized a little late that I might have a hard time holding still during the procedure. I think once a person waits after 2 hours, they just get a bit koo-key. :)

Nonetheless, 1:00 today. And it's probably a good thing that we'll be in a hospital this time and not an exam room...

today.

today i got my second post swearing-off pedicures, pedicure. i'm such a hypocrite.

today i picked HOT pink and waited extra long so it wouldn't smudge.

today we rented {3} movies AND got papa murphy's pizza for a night {in}. i realized tonight that our nights together as a family of {4} are numbered - and that's a good thing!

today ryan got 100 green army men and i got to watch my husband {teach} my son war.

today my {2} year old Gager bear told me that the stop sign at the end of our road is an ock-a-gon (octogon). oh, and it's the third consecutive day of no accidents!!! he is {practically} potty-trained.

today i cleaned the entire upstairs - and the kitchen. the nesting bug has bit me HARD. i scrubbed the inside of the washing machine and organized under both bathroom sinks. ryan helped with yellow gloves and gage pretended to paint everything with a clean paintbrush. when we were all finished ryan looked at me and said, 'whew. i think i'm just about ready for this baby'. amen, son. amen.

today jd and i had a {heart} to {heart}.

today i tried on a new outlook; one without fear. one with a {glass} that is fuller; that is more patient and a teeny bit more gentle. i tried to just let {today} be {today} and rest in knowing that it's already taken care of.

the {today} in two days, i'll have an amnio to test the baby's lung maturity. since i'm 38 weeks, it's very likely that he'll be ready and we can start the induction on tuesday of next week. i simply cannot wait to hold this baby in my arms...praying...praying...praying for a happy, healthy lil boy.

Super Man

I love the way this picture fits this song. He sure is a Super Man. And I sure love raising boys. Really and truly.


This morning, when I woke Ryan up for school he rubbed his eyes and asked "Is it time??? Are we going to the hospital?"

Something tells me he's not just dreaming about Peter Pan and hunting with his dad. Maybe Ryan's just as worried about this whole baby deliverin' process as the rest of us are. Maybe this little Super Man has spent too many {hours} listening to his dad and I talk about our fears.

Maybe it's time to teach Ryan more about the MAN who really is SUPER. You know - the One who can cast out fear? The One whose peace surpasses all understanding? Maybe it's time to teach Ryan what a real super hero is capable of. Perhaps it's time to balance those fear talks of ours with words of hope...and faith...and thanksgiving.

Funny what a {little} super man can teach you about a {big} super man, huh?

Goal #2: fear less.

just {speak}

We broke out the home movies tonight. It was the first time each of the boys saw their own birth - and don't worry, it was G-rated :)

It was weird though - experiencing those moments - and then watching them on TV. It felt like an out of body experience completely. My eyes were glued to the tube and I kept thinking, "Wait a minute...that's not how I remember it".

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Like when JD's mom told me that a '10' on the pain scale was "getting your arm ripped off" when really it was 'tears'. I was wondering why the graphic next to a '10' was a sad face, and not a person in hysterics, missing an arm. Turns out, I could have had that epidural like 9,000 hours earlier than I got it. The video missed that.
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Like every time JD slapped the cam in my face and said "whelp...what do you have to say?" and I lay there muscling my way through contraction after contraction.
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Or like the part when after the doc said it was 'time', I threw up for 1/2 an hour.
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It missed the part when our nurse stopped mid-delivery, stood from her stool, and lectured me about worrying...practically grabbing me by my fish cheeks and insisting that, "nothing bad is going to happen to this baby, now PUSH". Yup. The video missed that endearing moment.
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What's weird is what the video DID capture.
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I said absolutely nothing.

Nothing.

Nada.

I did.not.speak.a.word.

Through two deliveries...countless nurses...one great doctor...and a loving (and seemingly annoying narrator) husband...I said not.one.word during the laboring and delivery of both my sons.

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So what does that 'say'?
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Ryan caught on quick. While we were watching, he turned to me and said "Wow, mom. You were scared". He's a pretty observant lil bugger. And of course, Gage echoes a "yeah...scared". Perhaps the most insightful, though, was that annoying narrator of mine. :)

"This is your trauma, Lis. I think you were in shock for most if it."
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Um, yeah. (palm to forehead)
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What I thought would get me all geared up and confident that I can do this again, turned out to send me right back into that shell of a quiet place. The place with no words. The place where everything happens in super slow motion. It's a place where it's hard to speak and even harder to breathe. I'm knocking on the door of that place asking if I can come in and what I want to hear is, "No...you're not needed here".
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Hoping in faith is my first step. Goal #1: speak this time.