Fall and the {fall}

The fire is going...

The new scentsy smell is filling the air...

Spiced chai at my side...

fall is definitely {here}.

I had a doctor's appt yesterday afternoon. My doctor couldn't find the baby's heartbeat with the doppler...and as he slowly {silently} scanned my belly, it was all I could do but squeek out the words, "find it". He gave up on the doppler and opted for an ultra sound...I waited {silently} for his return.

"I've been right here in this moment before. I know how to do this" was what I was thinking...

Beads of sweat and no words later, he pointed to the screen and said without reservation, "there it is...right there...and I can see all four chambers".

"Yes" I reply. "But are those chambers moving?"

And they were. Thank God.

tiny miracles...one at a time.

A conversation with {Ryan}

Driving home from school today...

"Mom...are there beds in heaven?"

"Yeah, Ryan. There are probably beds in heaven."

"Why?"

"I would imagine it's so all the people in heaven have a nice, comfy place to sleep. God takes real good care of people in heaven too."

"Oh...hmmm..."

"Hmmm, what?"

"But there are probably not cribs..."

"I bet there are some real nice cribs"

"Yeah, because what about our sister, Olivia. She would need a crib."

"I'm sure she has a very nice crib in heaven."

"Yeah and probably so do all the other babies who die."

"Yes, God takes very good care of them"

"Hey mom, is our new baby dying?"

{gulp}

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No matter what it is...no matter where it is...no matter how it is...I can do all things through Christ, who gives me strength.

A great way to start off Tuesday...

Nothing too out of the ordinary...V8 splash and a granola bar for breakfast- just like every other day- and out.the.door- about as fast as a person can get out a door at 6:30am with two kids in one hand and coffee in the other.
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On Tuesdays, the boys go the babysitter until 8am, when JD can pick them up. Gage was still in his jammies and Serena (our super great sitter) was talking to me while I laid him down...
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then it HIT.
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all I could say was..."excuse me"...simultaneously running toward the bathroom. The bathroom that was literally steps away (thank GOD).
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There, I proceeded to vomit for a good ten minutes until I returned to my awaiting children and Serena, standing before me with a sleeve of Saltine Crackers. Ever tried to vomit in silence? It still brings tears to my eyes.
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I stood before her. "This pregnancy thing" I began. "It's not as easy as it looks". And so, with water in my eyes and a hitch in my step, I proceeded with my Tuesday morning...and thanks to Serena who completely understood the start to my morning, saltines in my holster.
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Hope your Tuesday got off to a better start than mine!

Death and {Life}

There is nothing quite like death. It's sobering. It's world-stopping; It's pain-staking, heart-pounding, breath-taking. It changes a person for the rest of their natural life. And there's nothing quite like having to bury your own child. I can say with all my might, that the death of our child has made me a completely different person. A different {kind} of person. Some of this new {kind} is good - I have a new lens for life that appreciates the small, minute things- but don't let that fool you. There are moments when this lens is fogged with fear, regret, and over-protection. Good. Bad. Ugly. This life of mine, after death- well, it's a different {kind} of living.

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And after that {moment} in death, I never thought I'd be in a {moment} of life, like this.

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I never thought that these bedrooms in our house would be...full of live, laughing, loving children. I can't tell you how many nights I spent on my knees- wanting nothing more than to have someone else in my home take a breath. JD worked nights after Olivia died and at the time, our home in the evening was a very, very lonely place. I chose my knees over my TV - and the comfort of tears over talking. I spent {days} in Psalms, crying out.

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Fast forward to Friday. I had an ultrasound to check for some genetic diseases (like downs and trisomy). I was nervous - nervous to get 'news', nervous to see a stopped heart, just nervous. It was the first appt JD had ever had to miss - So I roped my friend, Crystal, into coming with me just in case. Turns out, the baby looks perfect.

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I expected to see a blob. A baby blob- hopefully with a beating heart and some movement.

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I did NOT expect to see a fully formed child already. I did NOT expect to see 10 tiny fingers and 10 tiny toes. And I certainly did NOT expect to see this child of ours sucking his thumb (just like both his brothers). We didn't get to peek at any gender parts, but heck, I'm used to saying 'he' around these parts :)

I think it's pretty safe to say that despite the surprise...the 'holy cow I can't believe I'm pregnant how in the world will I be able to do this' feeling...I think despite that, it's safe to say that I am in heart-breaking, life-changing, jaw dropping love at first sight.

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Can it be possible? Can it be possible that {life} can change our lives just as much as {death}?

What {I've} Been Up To:

If I had planned this a bit better, the kids would be up here at the top and not this post - so feel free to scroll down to Ryan and then work your way back up here to the boring part :)

I {finally} feel ready for school - for some reason, it's taken me longer than it usually does to feel like kids could walk right through my door and I'd be geared up for them. Here's a sneak peek at my classroom...not a whole lot changes from year to year...

Our school adopted these rules. I really like them...and can't wait for the activity we'll be doing with them on the first day!

Thank goodness these little organizers were on SALE at WalMart!

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...and in {other} news...

1. My appt went very well- good, strong heart beat. I'm officially 12 weeks now, so we're starting to go 'public'. We even told Ryan yesterday, who consequently, has told every person he's come into contact with since. He is very excited and has exclaimed on several occasions that he wants a brother...and then has recently changed to a sister (who he wants to name Olivia again). He asks me about every hour if the baby is still in my tummy and if he can spend the night at the hospital with us when it's time to go...

2. JD pulled his name out of the interview pool. He's said that he's not ready for a change and I feel peaceful knowing he's comfortable with his decision.

I suppose that's all I've got for an update as of late. I'm particularly enjoying some much needed {time} with my boys {all 3 of them}...a clean house...and the smell of toasted almond filling our home.

Don't you just love fall?

What {Gage's} Up To:

Gage is active as ever these days. The plus side is we're having fewer and fewer meltdowns as his vocabulary grows. He starting to speak in full sentences and is particularly interested in animals and what they're eating. We went for a walk yesterday and I grabbed my camera before we left...these are a few shots from our outing:


You can just tell that talking has really made his day :) Frequently on his tongue these days?

" stop it, Ryan "
" chicken and fries please "
" mommy...mommy...look...train on the tracks "
" mommy...mommm...look...ambweeeeelance "

he's continually inquisitive...and very, very smart.

I think he looks just like my brother, Kasey, in this picture:

He is so stinkin' silly. It just cracks me up!

It's such a delight to hear him communicate (in a non high-pitched, screaming way) with us! This little guy just makes us laugh all day long!

What {Ryan's} Up To:

This is a little late in coming but Ryan is playing outdoor soccer this year. He was so excited to learn that his team color is greeen (his absolutely, hands-down, favorite color). He's number 2 but was a bit disappointed because he wanted to be 5. Turns out, the smallest kid on the team has to wear the smallest jersey...and that would be Ryanie with Numero Dos :) Here's a few highlights of his first game:

And Ryan's BIGGEST happenings lately have been his days going to KINDERGARTEN! Here he is the morning of the first day all ready to rock and roll...

I know a million moms say it, but I just can't believe he's this grown up!

He loves his teacher and I have been very impressed with the whole school so far. I really never thought I'd feel this comfortable with him going to school...but it's a blessing to know he's in safe hands. He's made a LOT (you know, cause he's quite a talker) of friends so far and from what I can tell with what's coming home, he's 'getting it'.

I love this little guy SO much.