The last few weeks have been really, really hard on me. I've been thinking about what's going on and why I have been so down in the dumps lately. I thought at first it was because I'm adjusting to the whole back-to-school schedule stuff. What the heck gives? And then it hit me- it's work, right?
Wrong. I thought it was but it's not.
It's this 'time'. It's fall...and a new school year...and running outside barefoot to start my car while my coffee percolates...and foggy drives to work....and leaves changing color...and the smell of pumpkin candles...the pelicans sitting on 3 mile...and all of it at once is a bit more than my heavy heart can handle right now.
Because it's almost that time of year when our lives were changed forever...when the name Olivia went from one we should say millions of times per year to one that may or may not pop on to this blog a few times per year. When we went from 'should we buy a kirby so the house is clean when the baby gets here?' to 'should her stone be marble or granite?' When our lives, once covered in pink, became draped in black.
And so .... it’s time.
This song that is playing- it still brings chills to my soul. It represents an ache that is deep. Very deep. Still deep even thought it's been almost 6 years. It’s Amazing Grace but it’s sung to my spirit, not my mind. I feel this song. I connected with this song from the first moment I heard it in concert when I was about 5 months pregnant with Olivia. I knew it would have a profound place in my life but at the time, I had no idea it would be the song played at the close of my own daughter’s funeral.
I think that it’s time for my blog to record these words, though I’m still not sure how to tell the story so it may take a while. In the mean time, could you do me a favor? Before you forget? It's a big one...are you ready?
Could you tell me the story of Olivia in your life? Could you tell me anything...everything you remember? I'm so afraid that she will be forgotten and I want to record her memories before they are. So what do you remember? How did you find out she was on the way? Who told you she was in the arms of Jesus? If you want to leave a comment, that's great - or if you want to send me an email, that's great too :) Thanks, guys.
8 comments:
in my life, olivia is a beautiful, blessed little girl i never got to meet in person. i only know her through her mother and father's love and tears and memories. olivia is the reason her mom and i met in the first place. a friendship, a sisterhood, that i am thankful for every day.
olivia made lisa and jd the people i know them to be today. strong, beautiful, loving. shining examples of what it means to lose a child and continue to live gracefully.
in my life, olivia is--i hope--the friend and playmate of my own missing child. i hope they are keeping each other company until we can see them again.
bravo, lisa. don't let people forget. and don't be afraid to ask for what you need.
we love you, olivia and lisa and jd and ryan and gage. more than you will ever truly know.
"Sweet Olivia"
I rememeber Lisa calling me from her vacation at the beach telling me she was pregnant. She said she took the test in the Wal-Mart bathroom. She was nervous, but I knew she was going to be a great mom.
I was so excited when Lisa told me they were going to have a girl. I dreamt of Lisa and I taking Olivia shopping and telling her all of our funny stories from college. Lisa asked me to be the "nanny". I was so excited and honored that she would trust me with her new baby.
I think of Olivia everyday, of how everytime I placed my hand on her momma's belly, she would stop moving, almost teasing me. I remember how much Olivia liked bathes, just like her mom.
The memory of seeing Olivia will forever be in my heart. I can't describe how precious the moment was when I said hello and goodbye in the same breath to that beautiful angel. It brings tears to my eyes everytime I think of that day.
I know deep down in my heart that Lisa and JD know that I will never forget Olivia, I just wish I had a better way of expressing it, I hope this gets the message across.
I love you Oliva Rose McElroy, I loved you the moment your mom told me about you.
I love Lisa and JD, and their three precious children, and I hope they know that, even if I am not that great at showing it.
Oh Lisa! My heart is aching for you today. I remember...I remember even though I didn't know you at the time. I remember hearing about your tragedy when I was still pregnant and it broke my heart. I remember learning it was your family when talking around a campfire with your parents and it broke my heart again.
She won't be forgotten! You have a beautiful way of expressing yourself and reaching out to those who care about you.
Keep strong. I am praying for you and JD right now. Love to you both.
I remember sitting in our bible study together in La Grande, and you said that no matter how many degrees you earn or how good of job you work up to, there is nothing in the world like having kids. That was about a year before Olivia was to enter our lives. I remember thinking what incredibly lucky kids those will be that will have you and J.D. as parents. I remember lots of little moments, i don't remember the day I found out you were pregnant with her, but I remember stories of how she was doing. I remember you walking across the stange at your College graduation with her in your tummy and close to your heart and how you seemed more animated than ever before in your life. You were already the best mom to Olivia ever. Then I remember getting a call early in the morning telling me that Olivia had gone to be with Jesus, and all I could think of was that day in bible study how you wanted to be parents more than anything in the world. My heart was broken for you, but the time I will never ever forget was during her memorial service, you read the most amazing and articulate letter about all the ways that you already knew her, how she loved taking baths and would jump at the sound of J.D.'s voice and moved to music. It was the most beautiful thing I had ever heard. Olivia had lived so much life inside of your warm body. What a lucky girl to have had you as parents. Lastly...I remember seeing her beautiful face in the pictures that you took. She is at the right hand of Jesus and they are looking into each others beautiful faces. I find it amazing how much one tiny life can affect so many. I will NEVER forget Olivia Rose McElroy. She is and always will be a beautiful part of all of us.
I love you guys and pray that you will cherish this time of remembering. God Bless.
Kathy
This was beautiful! Praying for you and your family as you remember your beautiful baby girl!
Isn't it sad how bad we sometimes are at sharing things, even things that others need to hear the most. Olivia comes to my thoughts often - and sometimes at the oddest moments. Often when I'm watching children and I think about how old she would be right now. I grieve for what we've missed in watching her grow up, and admit that I'm a little jealous of God, that he gets to have her in the fullest sense.
Although I know you would never choose to not have Olivia, having lost her early has made you, JD and our whole family into the people we are today. She's given us a gift - you, the ability to relate to and touch others who have gone through similar situations, me, an appreciation for life, for children, for how God can work through tragedy and bring good, and our whole family a closeness that I don't know if we'd have otherwise.
It's funny, I can't remember the exact moment when I found out you were pregnant, but I remember how much Olivia was my first experience with someone my age and close to me being pregnant. She's the first baby I felt kick in the womb. I still remember when you came up to our apartment in Spokane - you were maybe 5 months pregnant, and really showing for the first time. I guess I hadn't seen you in a while, so it was really fun for me to see you pregnant. I'm thinking by that time you had picked the name Olivia Rose - how beautiful.
I also remember the baby shower in Sandpoint, how much fun we had setting up, how fussy your Grandma was about all of the details, and getting to meet some of your extended family for the first time.
I remember this being the first pregnancy that I watched closely and thought, I'll be doing this someday, and unfortunately, being the one that made me aware that all pregnancies aren't perfect. I guess because a lot of women don't talk about miscarriages and lost babies, I had in my head that it just didn't happen. I can even remember when we got the phone call being in disbelief and not even knowing how to process it - babies don't die in the womb, right?
We were at a revival service at church, and the funny thing is, I don't even remember how we got the call - we didn't have cell phones then. Kasey came down (he was running sound) and told me and again, I was just in shock. Shortly after, we were able to tell some friends and started to leave. As we were leaving, a group of people from the church gathered around us and began to pray with us. Man, I had faith. I believed that God was going to heal Olivia - as we left, they said the whole church/revival service would be praying.
I remember praying for 3 hours straight in the car, believing that God was going to do a miracle. I've never prayed that long or that hard in my life. I can see now that God did indeed perform many miracles, but when we got to Umatilla and I realized it wasn't the miracle I was hoping for, it was really hard. I remember sitting awake all night on the couch listening to you mourn and hating (as I'm sure everyone did) that I couldn't do a thing.
I remember the next day at the hospital, the hours of waiting, and frustration at seeing all of the other families expectantly waiting while we were all waiting for a different reason. I remember when we heard she was born and would get to go in and see her - how privileged I felt in one sense, yet how scared I was in another. Ha, but what's to be scared of a little angel - through my tears, I saw a beautiful little girl and was still able to marvel at God's hand and His ability to create beautiful things. (Like I should be surprised!)
I remember years, years of tough times around Thanksgiving and Olivia's birthday, conversations in our Spokane apartment, with you asking why and me praying that I could give you some kind of answer that would help. I never would wish for this, but I feel blessed to have been on the road with you for this (so to speak). Not that I would ever claim to know what you've been through as the mother, but to walk with you and watch how God has used this to change you and bring you closer to Him.
I appreciate that you can ask for what you need, and use that to heal your heart even more. As dark as it seems sometimes, and as much as you probably feel alone in your grief sometimes - you're not. We're just not always so good at sharing it.
lisa... sweet, little olivia is not a name i had heard until after she arrived at God's side. two worlds apart, our lives came crashing together for all the wrong reasons, yet for one common bond.
when i think of olivia i always think of a flower. maybe that's her mom in her, i don't know, but that's what i see. some days it's a teensy pink flower that is just starting to bloom, and other days it's a fully bloomed white flower. it's just what i picture.
your thoughts of the fall season also sadden me for the same reasons. i remember driving by the same huge oak tree to and from school every morning, watching and noticing its colors and how they were changing at each pass. i couldn't wait to share those colors, the crackle of dry leaves, pumpkins, cool nights and everything fall with my own child.
that's where our lives collided. and so while i wish you and i did not belong to the same 'club,' here we are. olivia lives in my heart each and every day. she is the child i see in every rose... which is why her name is so appropriate.
i applaud you in sharing her with so many others and i love the ways in which your family takes the time to remember... through time it seems as if so many will forget...
...in your (and jd's) heart, she lives on forever.
hugs and bunches of love to you
kelly s
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